I Feel Snazzy in my Hat

Feeling a Little Out of Step

I was running my machine last night at work.... and for the first time in a long while I listened to the radio.

I never hear any new music anymore. I have been hearing jokes about Lady GaGa and her song Poker Face ....I've seen multiple parodies, and I know that I should be sick of her crazy outfits and antics... but as far as personal experience goes, I have never heard the song or seen her. and that's how it goes for most of pop culture right now.

I watch cartoons, and Mythbusters... Iron Chef and anything that interests me on History Chanel (even though they kinda piss me off sometimes with their soft handed treatment of religion and Bigfoot)...UFC, anime . That is about it ... and movies. I watch a lot of movies.

But I have never seen American Idol or Survivor and the sitcoms that ended five years ago seem new and crazy.

I don't mind being out of step, I attach myself to what I respond to... or what I am surrounded by, and I control my environment more than ever.

I am happy with my level of exposure for the most part.

-However-

While listening to the radio, I got all excited when "Dead Mans Party" came on. I looked down at my grey and black striped shirt and my cute black hoodie polka dotted with skulls... and I felt like some super deformed Tim Burton fan.
............when I was a little younger Joe and I went to the south side ... there were all these guys in their 60's walking around that looked like Fonzie.

I guess I hate that my sensibilities are so dictated by the year I went to High School.

............to be fair to myself ....... Thinking that there was one point in my life that I was in sync with culture would be a mistake. I was always a little off and a little uncool.



I don't exactly trust my judgement sometimes...

In the past I have noticed that I can become passionate about anything around me.... The most painful examples of this come from my long varied history in retail. When I worked in Carpeting I was genuinely very enthusiastic about Olefin ... and In the Copy & Print center I dreamed of someday owning my own Xerox machine.... now in manufacturing, I have been exposed to Lean manufacturing . I have spent Hours at home and at work looking up the concepts and trying to understand the vocabulary. I have tried to discuss it with Joe when we go out to dinner. I get very wrapped up in things. I have always been obsessive...always.

Now, and for a long time I have liked Anime ..... It started with vague childhood memories
-my basement-princess- big pretty eyes- elongated wispy arms -
.... and became a huge burning question in my head, and about the time the Internet hit and sailor moon was broadcast here I found my new passion.
I wrote this in an e-mail to my cousin:

I have to admit that I am extremely curious about what series you follow and why you are attracted to manga in general.

I have wondered the same thing about myself... and I always arrive at the same few concepts:

- Nostalgia...

When I was young (kindergarten) I would run home to watch Battle of the Planets. I was too young to think about it analytically but I believe I responded to the emotional complexity of the anime . There was romance and sadness and action and anger. Seeing the same characters experience such a range... made it possible to become deeply and emotionally connected.The effect was amplified for me because it was animated, a media that seems suited to expressiveness. I craved that same depth in the cartoons I watched for the rest of my life.
AND
Princess the female character in Battle of the Planets wore thigh high white leather boots and used a yo yo as a weapon that could kill people... so I wanted to be just like her.

- The Cool Factor... (this is the least important reason)
Even though now I see that there is actually quite a range of styles depending on the genre of anime you are into. When I rediscovered anime in the 90's (... sometimes called japanamation at that time) a lot of flashy and visually dynamic action oriented shows and movies were pushed ... and they just dazzled me. I thought anime looked super amazing....and.... there was this insider feel to it. I am embarrassed to say that I kind of enjoyed that. If you liked anime there was a certain amount of effort that had to be put into following it. Sometimes we would get series out of order or in raw Japanese that was a fifth generation copy and barely watchable. It was carried only at special stores. The toys were hard to find without ebay... so when you tracked something down , it felt almost like you were proving your dedication and happily engaging in obsessiveness.I liked that feeling.
Meeting other fans was rare, and there was this connectivity, it kind of felt like you knew a secret the rest of the world had missed. There was a kinship surrounding the otaku, at least there seemed to be a mutual respect for a shared passion.

-Japanese sensibilities...
Ranma 1/2 broke me into a whole new world of expression. It was my first experience as an adult with some of the Japanese romantic archetypes that I am compelled by. I love the sort of awkward and painful outward reserve shown by a lot of the characters while internally there is a contrasting passion ... and the expression or communication of feeling, is what all other plot points or character development is driven by. When I first experienced that with Ranma... it resonated with me ...
I can make many parallels between the things I respond to in anime and my own life. I have never been socially...comfortable. I have ideas and feelings inside of me that come out in explosive messy and awkward ways ...(except for Joe) I never think that I convey what I feel to anyone in a way that they will understand ... It is frustrating ... but there is also something invigorating even within that frustration.

I don't know if it is because culturally the Japanese tend to be a very reserved and formal people, but I often see in their art expressions of the conflicting duality between internal and external self image. And I think there is a beauty to some of the familiar anime stereotypes. especially because they don't seem to shy away from the painful and crushing feelings that seem to be the flip side of wonderful experiences like Joy and love and cheerfulness. To me showing the pain that leads to happiness, makes it seem earned, and brings greater satisfaction.

Well I better wrap this up................... I keep thinking of other tangents to go off on and lists of specific scenes from different series that have impacted me .... this is beginning to sound like any essay ... and I want to real it back in and give it more of a personal edge. I also feel like I am somehow lecturing you and I don't want that either.

Basically-

I like sweet things -and violent things -and tragic things--ugliness---things that seem hopeless -combated with unbelievable optimism and determination...I like cuteness and sentimentality----SO----I like Anime, a lot. It makes me laugh and giggle and cry .... and I like letting go and allowing myself to indulge in those sorts of feelings.

It was probably a strange e-mail for her especially since we rarely communicate via e-mail.................. but inappropriate or not I posted it here because I wanted to tell you (the fantasy audience that exists only in my head) how much I really liked anime .... and I felt like I was repeating myself.

ANYWAY---- long fucking way just to get to this point-------
Sometimes I actually enjoy running into an anime I don't care for .... it makes me feel like I have some ability to discern.
I worry that I am a fraud .... do I only like anime because it was on when I was in kindergarten ... Horror movies because in the 80's it was cool to like horror movies..... Star Trek because Joe liked it.... I don't think I'm being fake .... I don't feel fake..........
-BUT-
there are quite a few movies that I am pretty sure I like only because I saw them over and over on HBO when we first got it. That makes me feel kind of like a rube.

Christmas is Coming

This last month has been hectic.
I haven't written much, and the things I planned to write about have kind of faded away.
I Failed on my big plan to get back to the things I care about ... starting by writing here or in my paper journal for at least a half an hour a day..... when I'm not cleaning and arranging my studio downstairs so that I can buy that etching press that is on sale until December 15th....

All of those plans failed, however, normally those sorts of schemes get lost in a lot of whining and bitching and soul numbing defeated laziness ... because I hate my job, or people ... or I'm too fat...............
This time I was busy moving my Dad into a senior apartment building. He is in a fairly settled now but WOW this was just a whirlwind month.

So far things look good and I think it was worth it.

Work

I thought my life through before taking a job in a factory, and it seemed like what they offered was what I needed.
Conceptually I found the idea of production appealing because it seemed honest and clear cut. I liked the idea of making multiple non-unique items...it was soothing. I still love that about my job. I don't get bored. I like the repetition of sounds and images. I love the scrap I get to take home. I like watching the waste stripping from my work pile up in the dumpster.... and I enjoy letting my mind do crazy things during a long run. I go into this meditative zone and my brain becomes very fertile and clear. I make lots of plans at night when I'm working and they all seem possible. Third shift has a solitary quality that I love ... and when things go well I have no regrets. Joe and I work at the same place and we live about five minutes away.

...But there will always be the humiliating side to working for someone else .....and sometimes I think that I was foolish and planed poorly.

Watching Evil Dead With the Parents

Joe and I watched Evil Dead last weekend. I have thought about writing this entry ever since... wondering if I would......

I saw Evil Dead for the first time when I was in Junior High. I was 13 when I started High School so I'm guessing that I was about 12 when we rented it.
Our family watched a lot of movies on the weekends. We usually watched them together, so it wasn't odd that we all sat down to watch Evil Dead , even though horror movies really weren't their thing.
I was laying on the floor, on my belly, with my head pointing to the set, My Mom was on the couch on one side of me and My Dad was in his chair on the other. ...And then the tree rape scene came on.
I was familiar with this viewing set-up and there were many awkward moments where I would catch a dirty joke and try not to laugh... or there was nudity and sexuality that I pretended to be too mature to notice. However, this was a lot different.
My body had a slightly painful and immediate burning sensation sweep through it expanding from some unfamiliar place between my legs. I had never experienced anything like it. I also realized that my legs were spread ...and that felt like a vulnerability, one that I had never noticed...I moved slowly to cross them.
It was a little bit horrible to discover those feelings for the first time in a room with other people.... not just people, parents. So I froze.... tons of panicked thoughts flew through my head....
I was conscious of my breath and my heart beat and my movement.... I think they all stopped.
I felt like any action I took would betray me, and they would know ....... but I wasn't even sure what I thought they would find out. It was terrible laying on the floor for what felt like forever hearing my heartbeat faster and faster. I think I excused myself and went into the bathroom because it was the only way I could think of to get out of that room.
Fortunately, later.... I realized my Dad had dozed off... and my Mom wasn't paying attention....
However
....It haunted me, in a troubling way. I knew, even through the unfortunate first viewing, that I liked it... really really liked it. So what was wrong with me.
I tried to separate myself emotionally from my interest in it. I wanted to see it again, as a sort of scientific test. I lost my nerve though.Much Later when given he chance to pick a video tape out of the clearance bin I chose a different movie over it...even though it was easily my top pick. I had become paranoid ... I thought my Mom was running her own test, and that she would be on to me if I picked that video out of the bin.

-----and then another unfortunate encounter---

At Morse Middle School-in art class- there was the boy's table. I thought of the group that sat there as friends, but I also knew that they teased me and fucked with me a little. So I was on edge when dealing with any of them.
One day one of the boys (Brian) asked me if I had seen Evil Dead. When I said yes he started to talk about that scene. Again I froze. I felt like my head would explode... they caught me! I couldn't speak... I am actually unable to tell you what happened for a portion of the conversation because my brain was so active that I was not connected to the world. By the time I came around, I realized I was being teased because I didn't understand what was going on in that scene. They were laughing at me because I didn't get it.
Normally I didn't like seeming like I was immature (probably because I was) and would have hated admitting that I didn't understand.This time however, his reaction actually calmed me... and I gladly opted out and confessed that I had no idea what he was talking about.

Black Sheets and Our Dog

Everyone told us that we should get a black dog.

Change and Anxiety

I am sitting on the edge of making so many decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

The biggest potential change comes with convincing my Dad to get an apartment near us.

He doesn't seem able to keep up the house anymore. I feel that it is because he is mentally defeated.... but .... he is 69 years old, overweight and handicapped. So it isn't simple. Soothing his psychological needs can't be the only answer anymore.

I have been pushing very hard for this.... I don't like doing that .... actually I hate it .
BUT
... my Dad seems so unhappy. He has been since Mom died. I think he is lonely, and unable to find the companionship he needs. Joe and I can't fill that gap.

Having Dad within walking distance will be nice .... but ... slightly terrifying...

I am very concerned that the safe bubble we have constructed around our lives is about to pop.

I like the reliable home we have established.... No one ever comes over unannounced, we are safe here.... I don't want that altered because of proximity. ...the people who visit him may wish to visit us.... they may not understand why it would be unacceptable to pop in. I don't know that I trust my Dad to keep the walls up.... he seems like he would be a bad gate keeper. .... So far I have been safe without directly offending anyone(.... well not too many people). I don't want expose my true nature on this I guess... and now I can see many potentially confrontational situations that I am not quite prepared for.

I do not wish to hurt anyone ... but there are certain things that I will not compromise, the sanctity of boundaries is Deeply important to me ... I will not bend , because if I do , I -and Joe along with me, will be miserable. That is unacceptable.
However being a bit of a coward... I just hope the issue never comes up.

That was a lot more likely when Dad lived on Herbert street.

Why do I like playing with these filters so much... it is fun , like playing plinko, seeing how an image will break down. I like that things visually just happen without directly crafting the effect.

the end result isn't as fun as doing it though.

I had so many nice things to say about this weekend... but I didn't write any of it down.
We watched a lot of movies and played with our dog...we ate out, without concern for calories or money.... and it was very nice, and very relaxing.
However ......................once again..............when we came back to work, weekend overtime was waiting for us.
And, that is what made me want to write an entry after so long. Not the wonderful things that happen daily, the crap that drags me down at work. I know no one wants to work...and hating your job is not a novel position.... but I feel so frustrated.... and powerless. Maybe that's why it is the only thing I seem to write anymore... this is a monologue that I control.

Birthday Birthday Birthday

When I was little I picked up a pack of comic books at Piggley Wiggley. I bought the pack because of a Sugar and Spike comic, but inside I also found a Wonder Woman book...
In the book a red haired Amazon beat Wonder Woman in a competition and was set to take her place in America.

It was very disturbing for me because I never had a conclusion to the story. I read the book over and over and pestered my Mom with questions she didn't have the answers to.

For my Birthday this year Joe did a little research and found out it was a 2 book series, and bought them for me. He was a lot more helpful than my Mom who just seemed annoyed when I kept asking what would happen.
Seeing the images again was stunning and familiar.... and I guess I was relieved to find out that Orana (the red haired Wonder Woman) dies in the next issue and everything went back to normal.

More Halloween Tags

Fat

When I was in kindergarten I took a ballet class... at the end of the first section of the class, when it was time to sign up for the next term my Mom and I were pulled aside by the teacher. She was talking to my Mom, but I was there and remember the conversation myself, and she said we should not bother to register. In the next segment of the class the children would be buying their leotards and shoes and it would be a waste of my Mom's money. There would be shows and productions but she would not be putting me in them because of my size. There was no point for me to continue.

The rest is not all that clear to me I remember my Mom getting upset... I remember crying because I was looking forward to wearing a tutu .... but not much else.

It wasn't because I couldn't keep up with the class .... or that I lacked skill... it was a completely atheistic decision.

...that is the first time I can remember feeling that I was treated unfairly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a tricky issue to step into for me... I am full of so much anger and spite and sadness because of it. ... and I don't really want to cover that up in any way...especially not on here .... but it is an emotionally complex issue and I don't know where to start.

People hate me ... at least that is how I feel every time I walk outside the door of my house....
and for years I have said that I hate people.... but the trick in all of this is the word people. When I say the word people I have an unformed mob without a face in my head ... I can't seem to mentally bear the idea of hating individuals even the ones that have been the most cruel. Whenever I think of specific people or stories I start thinking about counter points... reasons for the way they act and respond to me... and as soon as I do that .... it is really hard for me to maintain Hate.... BUT don't get the wrong impression ... it isn't because I'm nice - there is a sort of spinelessness about it. My rage still exists ... I just keep it inside until it leaks out someplace else.

Mom was a buffer for me ... She was very vocal about her pain. She was constantly alert... noticing the horrified looks on the faces of the waitresses before they would seat us in back by the buss boy station... or when she was ignored and not given the proper service at a department store. And I would just roll my eyes and say "oh Mom relax" even though I had noticed the same thing myself... and when I would be treated like shit by my friends she would be angrier and less forgiving than I was. I think I understand why now because of Joe ...
When we were first going out it was really tough... I had built up a fake and boisterous self that I took out in public when I was uncomfortable or when I was mocked... and I couldn't be that gaudy person around Joe ... I didn't want to be ...she was a loud mouth and obnoxious... but things still came up...often ...


I had dealt with them my entire life... but when Joe came along and noticed ... or I told him about it later... He got really angry .....
I tried to say ... no, it's no big deal... but he said this to me,
How are you going to feel when we have a fat little daughter , and people treat her this way.
...and I instantly understood .... I would want to unleash the rage that had been waiting inside of me and crush anyone who fucked with someone I cared about.

and maybe that's how Mom felt .... or maybe she had just had enough ...

BUT,

Mom was a part of the problem too... she did not want to live up to peoples impression of "the fat" so she imposed standards that confused me.

I was not allowed to wear shorts in the summer - because the backs of my rolly polly knees would show.
I could not wear short sleeve shirts or dresses because of similar problems with my elbows.
I couldn't wear shirts that ended above the roundness of my belly... or shoes that looked rolled over.
These were huge issues we would fight for hours about them....
Freshman year of H.S. there was a party ... it was a dance and an open pool and grill out.... we had been fighting for hours because I wanted to wear a t-shirt with short sleeves... I lost that one and ended up wearing something else... but during the 45 minute car ride , while listening to my Walkman and trying to blot out the screaming that was still going on ... It occurred to me that I would be going swimming in the pool in my swimsuit... I was never squeamish about that before but it started sinking in and the thought was kind of sicking ....
by the time I got to school I didn't want to go in the pool.
Mom then gave me a very angry little pep talk about not being ashamed of myself ...and not letting THEM win. ....

and now.... I think of the things that I just stopped doing...
I don't ride a bike in public, or swim or wear shorts....
I won't go into our local ice cream stand if the news van is in the parking lot ... I am afraid I will become the new headless image associated with the obesity epidemic...
I would rather just slip through most things unnoticed ....

but... I'm not really embarrassed of myself ... I can run around the house naked stop by a mirror and take a look and feel just fine....

... but I can't stand to be SO incredibly angry anymore... I can't take hating people, especially if I am not going to confront them as individuals .... grouping them all into the I hate People category is becoming damaging... I see everyone and everything as a threat. so I try to limit my exposure to them.

I somehow haven't stopped liking human beings though... if I see someone make eye contact and smile ... it is still genuine .... but how long will I hold out?

I am having difficulty keeping a balance between the normal defensive actions of a person with respect for themselves and a persecution complex.

Tags for Halloween Candy

I started making tags for the Halloween Candy I pass out at work.... This year I am trying to draw more than just skulls .
I started with Ravens. I almost want to try a wolf or two, but I hesitate ... too many people at work think wolfs are cool..... and it is starting to get around that I actually draw these things. So I want to back off a little before I get any requests. Requests make me freeze all up. ...and I feel guilty saying no to people - but I do say no.
The other interesting sensation in this ....... those fucking digital filters make shit look cooler ....I think it excites me , but pisses me off a little.

Dead Bees

When I was young I would spend hours fishing the drowning bees out of our backyard pool. (so they wouldn't die)
Now I am setting traps to kill as many of them as I possibly can. My change of heart came after Boris started chasing and biting at them. I didn't want a dog with a swollen face... or throat.
But it all still makes me a little sad... poor little bastards.

Chilli's Peppers

For some reason I keep making peppers on the Chili's web site...
I;m not interested in the cause... I just like making peppers.

Alone in the House

It is rare that I am alone in the house... especially at night. Joe and I are normally together 24 hours a day. This weekend however we will be separated because of a full weekends worth of mandatory overtime for Joe.

There has been this horrible pressing sensation weighing down my head and chest all week in anticipation of this. I have been angry - and sad - and accepting - and foul about this. Joe has been in pain with little knots of anxiety buried in his neck and shoulders.

I hate this feeling... I just hate it.
I don't mean being separated ... I mean that it is horrible to be powerless.

Because of the economy.... or I should say because they can get by with it because they assume we have no other options.... Our jobs have become exceptionally taxing in a degrading way. We loose ground constantly... raises ... bonuses... respectful or courteous treatment..... and even if things swing back I am already broken, I don't trust them anymore. I should get out ... but I'm a chicken.

I at least have a cute little silver lining with this ... being up late at night filled with indignant suffering has made sleep impossible.
... and so instead of trying to ignore it ... I am following some useful advice I heard recently, and I am turning my negative energy into productivity.... I have been cleaning, and writing, and playing with my dog..........and...........those things all feel good.
.................but then there's Joe he is at work.... and although I'm sure he's fine now .... and will be again tomorrow. There is next week to think of. The string of days will wear him down ... but worse than that, there will be this fear that our weekend will be stolen from us again.

Atheist

Through my life, I have defined my feelings on god in different ways .... agnostic at first seemed the most personally comfortable. However, I kept running into a problem......
When I would say to someone who had faith in a supernatural world that I was agnostic it left too much grey area.

Usually, if I was having a conversation with someone about belief I knew them, or we were close in some personal way...so when our conversation would start narrowing down and I began defining my atheistic beliefs, I could see the fear build in them. When I said the word agnostic instead of atheist it seemed to be like throwing them a life raft. To them, I was not completely beyond salvation.

.... But I got sick of that .... I wasn't expressing what I really felt. I had decided upon agnostic because when I tried to find a definition for atheist I would often come across an acceptable definition of a-theist or non-theist , but, I would also find an unacceptably forceful definition, "believes that god does not exist". To me there is a huge difference between saying that I have no belief that god or a supernatural world exist, and saying, there is no God and I know that to be a fact.

So, I stayed with agnostic for a very long time... and I gritted my teeth every time someone optimistically saw agnostic as an opening to insert god....into my life.

I will stray from my main idea a little here and say, I began to resent it. Often people who I loved and cared about would feel that they were enriching my life by trying to convert or save me. ....and I wasn't interested in hurting them.... or shutting down conversations. I felt too aggressive saying that I thought the Bible was fiction... the same as any other fiction... and that other fictitious creations by men had had more impact on my life. Like Star Wars :) <----( funny but not really kidding.) I felt like an asshole closing a door in their face... but ... it also became clear to me (after multiple conversion attempts) that they were in the aggressive position, not me.... while I made no attempt to cut their ties with their church , they happily pushed their agendas into my life hoping that I would change. To them I think the word agnostic seemed to imply that I was seeking guidance.... I think it practically excited them. I have since re-investigated the terminology. Agnostic in many forms seems to be a worse fit than atheist.
I define myself an atheist now.... it leaves less room for speculation, and I think it is a better encapsulation of my feelings. However.... I did not realize how people would react with a change in terms.

When I said "I am an atheist"

My Aunt - told me I was not

A co-worker- stared at me with bulging eyes for a few minutes and then did that "raspberries" thing a few times with her mouth and said "so" and left. Later she came back and said  "you think you know so much...but I believe in God". The whole exchange was unclear she was mumbling and seemed a bit shaken.

Another co-worker- told me that the only reason I was nice ...didn't lie, helped other people out when they needed it, and so on .... was because my Dad was Catholic and so somehow the ten commandments had rubbed off on me.

My Dad- said "No your not and laughed" told me something about Einstein saying that only idiots and college freshmen knew their was no god. When I got more serious he said ... that he had been brought up to believe that atheist = bad.... and then went on to apologetically talk about how he had made mistakes raising me.

Yet another co-worker and friend- Told me I wasn't... and then for months told me that I was in her eyes Christian anytime I did something "nice" and when she did something "bad" she would say "see maybe I'm the atheist" ...................then around Halloween ...and I like Halloween a lot... she said "...oh yeah, I guess you like this time of year because you like Satan..."


... and so, as much as it pains me... I feel like I want to assert myself a bit, be an ambassador for atheism if possible. I saw a button with a smiley face that said ... smile, you have just met an atheist. Usually that type of self promotion seems obnoxious.... but maybe it would be nice if people had to confront a real person as an atheist so that the term atheist couldn't be shuffled into a faceless category filled with godless evil.

Anniversaries

I had planned to write an entry on June 16th because it is when Joe and I got married.... but I didn't, I watched a bunch of movies instead.
I'm OK with that though..... we were married 3 years ago because I wanted to quit my job and I wanted to be on his insurance.
There were other reasons.... less cold reasons... but .... there are things that are more important to me than our anniversary -so- instead I wrote an entry about Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches.... it is sort of my love letter to him.

On Fathers Day it was the 10 year anniversary of my Mom's death. I had planned to lock myself in a room for a few hours and spill my digital guts....but I didn't do that either. Instead we spent the day at Joe's sisters house watching Boris play with the rest of the dogs in the family. I think we made the right choice.... I would rather have living experiences ... and I have plenty of time to piece together the past later.

.....and lastly it has been roughly 10 years since Star Wars Episode I came out ..... so I wanted to write a little bit about that..... and how I find it absolutely stunning that 10 years have passed.... I was in High School for the 10 year anniversary of A New Hope... the years between kindergarten and High school were literally a life time for me...... and now if I hear a song I like from 10 years ago I feel cool and modern. It all seems impossible. AND then it hits me..... My Dad who knows great details about every car made from 52'-59'---- that's me now..... I'm just old, it is a very simple answer.

Here for fun is a link to a journal entry I wrote the night before seeing Episode I for the first time.

Peanutbutter and Pickle Sandwiches

Joe is the only person I have ever met who eats Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. When I discovered this I was full of a warm feeling... we were meant to be... this was a sign.

I remember at the time I had a thought strike me, I was being foolish. The only reason either of us ate PB&Ps was because our Mommies made them for us. Neither of us discovered that taste on our own. And they are awesome so of course we liked them.

So, what we had was an obscure but coincidental taste for the same food.
I believed that it was an odd similarity and not fate.

However, I enjoyed telling that story to others. I did not embellish the story.... and I even threw in a skeptical assertions like, "It's only a coincidence".......... but some part of me knew where they would take it. I think I opened up to people who (I believed) would make the cosmic connections for me.
I liked the world they painted. I felt special thinking that Joe and I were together because of some beautiful and magical force. So I played along ... never agreeing with them, but, taking a ride on their belief that something beyond coincidence existed. I liked getting lost in those sort of dreamy romantic thoughts.
I put peanut butter and pickle in Google today, and I found multiple listings. 12 pages of people getting off on how crAzy they were for eating this sandwich.
Do I share a divine connection with all of them?

I'm embarrassed for allowing myself knowingly to be such a silly little girl on this. I am ashamed for the cheap thrills I got out of something I knew was superficial. ...And it is difficult for me to admit without buffering my actions, that I purposely used the people around me to visit a place I could not go myself.

However.... that brings me to a point that I am happy about. I don't really need to do that now. After 18 years together -more than half of my life- we have -Substance- gained through a shared life, many common interests, trust, and well earned faith in ... us.
Joe is my best friend,
my Husband,
and I still have a girlly crush on him sometimes.
It would seem very empty to me if I still gave any weight or magical credibility to a sandwich.
I have so much more than that in my hands.

Feeling Better

Boris is doing better....right now he seems perfectly normal. That makes me so happy! Last night at this time we had him loaded in our van... taking him to the all night emergency clinic. He just kept walking around like a zombie, drooling and staring at the wall... it was like he was responding to the time cues that he normally followed but didn't have the energy respond normally. At 10:40p.m. he was standing next to our bed like he was ready to wake us up for work.....but he wasn't wagging his tail or jumping up on us. He was just standing there, drooling and not responding to his name or any commands. It was very creepy in a fearful future way. Joe and I both were afraid that he had fried his brains with a high fever, and that we were going to have a zombie dog for the rest of his life.
Fortunately, once he hit the cold air and had the excitement of going in the car he perked up. He began looking around in an alert receptive way, so we just went home.
Today I cooked him some rice and he ate it .... he drank some water .... and now he is bugging me while I write this wanting to play tug with a little stuffed duck I bought him at Walgreens today. ...and I don't mind a bit!

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We ate at Outback Steakhouse today..... it has been harder to go since the Fox Point restaurant closed... That's where we had our wedding reception 3 years ago (June 16th 2006) There were only 7 people at our wedding, including us, so we all fit nicely at the table.
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I spent a little time at Half Priced Books today.... and I found some really cool stuff. This is what I bought.

Shadow Warriors- 1st season box set
Primal Myths-Creation Myths Around the World
The Gods of The Egyptians-Studies in Egyptian Mythology Vol.1
The Egyptian Book of the Dead
Myths Dreams and Religion- Edited by Joseph Campbell
American Tall Tales
Hello Kitty Haiku Note Cards

I am a little worried though... sometimes if I buy too many books I don't read them... they end up on the shelf.... and I buy something new before I get to them. If I buy just one book I tend to obsess over it a little more.
I just finished How We Believe-Science Skepticism and the Search for God by Michael Shermer.I am also reading Transformations of Myth Through Time out loud to Joe...... usually while he is playing Legends of wrestling... :) Don't get me wrong I am not slighting him in any way, he is involved in what I am reading.... I love the conversations we have. I just mentioned it because I find it slightly funny too....
I have to admit wrestling is one of the few topics that I totally zone out and do the "yes honey- oooh that's nice" thing on. Usually, we have similar interests... I skew more into anime than him, he knows more about It's A Living.... but we are on the same page. With this I play typical girl.... and I have no clue. I feel bad about that in a way because It seems like I could tap into this nostalgia wave with him... but.... I'm lost, and there is really no one else to share it with.
This is getting long and unwieldy... I better go, It is time to wake up Joe and watch a horror movie!!!!

Bois is sick

We are at the beginning of a four day weekend... These are the things in my head tonight.
- My dog is sick. I think it is just a minor, passing cold or flu. However, that hasn't stopped me from imagining a thousand different ways that this could be fatal,or, a thousand different ways that I could be negligent. He seems to like ice cubes so I keep giving him those.
I no longer have any ice cube trays fit for humans.I only have ice cubes with dog treats in them.

I just keep starring at him trying to make sure he is breathing.

-We have a washer/drier being delivered tomorrow, and I haven't gotten anything ready. I could care less about clothes but I am excited about this new machine. It is a front load washer and drier.............it does something with steam... ???? clothes get clean, that sort of thing.... it was on clearance($700 marked down from $2000) BUT the cool part is, it has some weird magnetic generator thing and when the tub spins it generates power itself. The guy at the store gave it a few spins and the display lights came on... and it wasn't plugged in..... that was when I made my decision to buy.

-I spent the week downloading torrents of movies that I remembered from when I was a kid.I will write more about that later.( see here- Movie Weekends)

- It's Raining
- Robert stopped over today (Joe's nephew) Boris was excited, and that made me happy.

Nostalgia

Joe is asleep.....I should be waking him up,It's time.

Today at work I was disappointed

Old Journal Entry 9-22-99

Boogie Nights is on cinemax�. It is killing me not watching it. I turned up the sound so I can hear it and be reminded of my favorite scenes, I have quite a few. I love the movie. I think it is one of the warmest stories about love family and self-appreciation out there.

I want to write a bit tonight simply because I feel the urge to create�.possibly share � and I don�t want to let this die. I don�t understand it myself. I don�t know why I have a web page or an online Journal with lots of my private thoughts. I should probably spend some time looking into those urges, BUT! Never the less I am here I am writing this and I will post it on my public page.

Sometimes I think about conversations I would have with people � things I say without tension , Things said to let people in � but those conversations rarely develop and when the moment to share appears it is such a narrow window � I can�t seem to cram every little anticdote of personal growth or humor into normal conversation without seeming incredibly clever (in that bad way) or muddle headed and simple.

To be honest without too many disclaimers showing that I am actually quite meek I have to admit I like myself pretty much � I have some issues � some huge areas where self improvement could be helpful (Lack of any and all ambition, suppression of emotions, disorganization and horrible house keeping skills the 80 million ditzy things I do every day) But
And here comes my secret strength and that confidence that I hide so well� I think my respect for structure and interest in weird shit is an asset � I like that I am easily contented � I like that I love very freely and feel deep emotional bonds to people even at inappropriately early stages. I don�t share a lot of my feelings OK I rarely do but the emotions themselves keep me alive. I am very proud and happy with my devotion to Joe and I love knowing without doubt that he loves me�. I am good at doubt and it feels great to have such a confidence on my side �and of course I love to hold his hand or hug him and feel the solidity of our bond � but enough of that I could go on forever about Joe and I and what delights me about our relationship � because for eight years now I have lived with this wonderful feeling of having a soul mate�. But
New people have popped into my life in the last few years.. Mary (hi) you wrote me an e-mail the other night, it came after a long pause created by me, and I just missed talking to you in the most profound way and I didn�t understand what held me back and why I didn�t keep the contact I wanted to. I have relatives here in Milwaukee that I love and think about daily � Grandpa Aunt Audrie � Craig Jenny� that I just don�t connect with � and the gap is coming from me� I just act like an idiot sometimes� BUT back to the positive�

Very recently I have noticed friendships building at work and it is so strange for me � usually I know people and like them but there are actually people I confide in � people that I care about and hold my interest. Now this may seem strange to those of you that are more social than I am but the other day a friend of mine patted me on the back � and I didn�t cringe LOL ok cringe is a strong word but usually if someone touches me it freaks me out a little bit�. If I don�t know them I feel the spot they touched for hours after the act and even if I like them when I realize they are touching me I stiffen all up. That didn�t happen this time the action was actually received as the casual and normal expression it was meant to be � that is amazing for me. OK I bet that is a pretty scary paragraph for some people to read � I have just crossed over to official freak�. You now imagine me in some dark basement drooling on myself with the lights dimmed so they won�t damage my sensitive mole eyes� but really I seem quite normal in public. Sometimes I even seem bubbly�

OK THE FINAL STRAW � I have to cut this short because ��.ugh ��. Sliders is starting on sci-fi channel right now and I want to go watch it� could I seem any geekier than I do now? I give up I am slithering back to my cave for the night .

Time has passed sliders is over and I am a bit less dramatic�.

During the commercial breaks I had a chance to think over what I had written earlier tonight. I find it disturbing that I have no problem opening up in text writing things I would never speak� and it seems strange to me that any of these insights are publicly accessible � I wouldn�t care if people read them infact I am sure I would like it in a way. I sometimes have trouble letting the people that I care about know that they fall into that category�. But�this whole process of venting here in this way, well it just seems sleazy�. I need to work on that I suppose .
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..... looking at the post above, I realize that I haven't changed.... Well I have, I have gotten worse. I have distanced myself even further from the rest of the world... and I find myself bitter and old. I still see beauty in the people around me, but I don't really have a relationship with any of them and I think the number of people I would hug without hesitation has dropped considerably... I think I am just kind of a cold person... at least in public.... and I am much more comfortable watching the world. I have always fantasized about being able to go places and do things...see people without being seen myself. It may be a childish thought......but it comforts me. HOWEVER I don't really watch Sliders anymore, so is that has changed. I didn't like the new Star Trek movie either.... however I think it is OK to like the movie ,in the eyes of the people, so that probably puts me in the overly picky nerd category again. Fuck it .............

Growing Pot

I have one of those hydroponic herb gardens in my kitchen...not because it is useful, just because I think it's neat. I was looking at it today and I started thinking that I should grow pot in it. I'm not going to for a few reasons... mainly because I don't have any use for it since I don't smoke.... but it was connected to some line of thinking that went like this....

-It pisses me off that they want to put an R rating on any movie that contains smoking, bullshit -> Why shouldn't homosexuals be allowed to marry.... that's bullshit -> why is prostitution illegal,they have no business controlling our bodies -> I like Porn.... fuck them for trying to tax it...and sugary drinks.... -> I should grow Pot in my hydroponic garden.