Work

I thought my life through before taking a job in a factory, and it seemed like what they offered was what I needed.
Conceptually I found the idea of production appealing because it seemed honest and clear cut. I liked the idea of making multiple non-unique items...it was soothing. I still love that about my job. I don't get bored. I like the repetition of sounds and images. I love the scrap I get to take home. I like watching the waste stripping from my work pile up in the dumpster.... and I enjoy letting my mind do crazy things during a long run. I go into this meditative zone and my brain becomes very fertile and clear. I make lots of plans at night when I'm working and they all seem possible. Third shift has a solitary quality that I love ... and when things go well I have no regrets. Joe and I work at the same place and we live about five minutes away.

...But there will always be the humiliating side to working for someone else .....and sometimes I think that I was foolish and planed poorly.

Watching Evil Dead With the Parents

Joe and I watched Evil Dead last weekend. I have thought about writing this entry ever since... wondering if I would......

I saw Evil Dead for the first time when I was in Junior High. I was 13 when I started High School so I'm guessing that I was about 12 when we rented it.
Our family watched a lot of movies on the weekends. We usually watched them together, so it wasn't odd that we all sat down to watch Evil Dead , even though horror movies really weren't their thing.
I was laying on the floor, on my belly, with my head pointing to the set, My Mom was on the couch on one side of me and My Dad was in his chair on the other. ...And then the tree rape scene came on.
I was familiar with this viewing set-up and there were many awkward moments where I would catch a dirty joke and try not to laugh... or there was nudity and sexuality that I pretended to be too mature to notice. However, this was a lot different.
My body had a slightly painful and immediate burning sensation sweep through it expanding from some unfamiliar place between my legs. I had never experienced anything like it. I also realized that my legs were spread ...and that felt like a vulnerability, one that I had never noticed...I moved slowly to cross them.
It was a little bit horrible to discover those feelings for the first time in a room with other people.... not just people, parents. So I froze.... tons of panicked thoughts flew through my head....
I was conscious of my breath and my heart beat and my movement.... I think they all stopped.
I felt like any action I took would betray me, and they would know ....... but I wasn't even sure what I thought they would find out. It was terrible laying on the floor for what felt like forever hearing my heartbeat faster and faster. I think I excused myself and went into the bathroom because it was the only way I could think of to get out of that room.
Fortunately, later.... I realized my Dad had dozed off... and my Mom wasn't paying attention....
However
....It haunted me, in a troubling way. I knew, even through the unfortunate first viewing, that I liked it... really really liked it. So what was wrong with me.
I tried to separate myself emotionally from my interest in it. I wanted to see it again, as a sort of scientific test. I lost my nerve though.Much Later when given he chance to pick a video tape out of the clearance bin I chose a different movie over it...even though it was easily my top pick. I had become paranoid ... I thought my Mom was running her own test, and that she would be on to me if I picked that video out of the bin.

-----and then another unfortunate encounter---

At Morse Middle School-in art class- there was the boy's table. I thought of the group that sat there as friends, but I also knew that they teased me and fucked with me a little. So I was on edge when dealing with any of them.
One day one of the boys (Brian) asked me if I had seen Evil Dead. When I said yes he started to talk about that scene. Again I froze. I felt like my head would explode... they caught me! I couldn't speak... I am actually unable to tell you what happened for a portion of the conversation because my brain was so active that I was not connected to the world. By the time I came around, I realized I was being teased because I didn't understand what was going on in that scene. They were laughing at me because I didn't get it.
Normally I didn't like seeming like I was immature (probably because I was) and would have hated admitting that I didn't understand.This time however, his reaction actually calmed me... and I gladly opted out and confessed that I had no idea what he was talking about.

Black Sheets and Our Dog

Everyone told us that we should get a black dog.

Change and Anxiety

I am sitting on the edge of making so many decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

The biggest potential change comes with convincing my Dad to get an apartment near us.

He doesn't seem able to keep up the house anymore. I feel that it is because he is mentally defeated.... but .... he is 69 years old, overweight and handicapped. So it isn't simple. Soothing his psychological needs can't be the only answer anymore.

I have been pushing very hard for this.... I don't like doing that .... actually I hate it .
BUT
... my Dad seems so unhappy. He has been since Mom died. I think he is lonely, and unable to find the companionship he needs. Joe and I can't fill that gap.

Having Dad within walking distance will be nice .... but ... slightly terrifying...

I am very concerned that the safe bubble we have constructed around our lives is about to pop.

I like the reliable home we have established.... No one ever comes over unannounced, we are safe here.... I don't want that altered because of proximity. ...the people who visit him may wish to visit us.... they may not understand why it would be unacceptable to pop in. I don't know that I trust my Dad to keep the walls up.... he seems like he would be a bad gate keeper. .... So far I have been safe without directly offending anyone(.... well not too many people). I don't want expose my true nature on this I guess... and now I can see many potentially confrontational situations that I am not quite prepared for.

I do not wish to hurt anyone ... but there are certain things that I will not compromise, the sanctity of boundaries is Deeply important to me ... I will not bend , because if I do , I -and Joe along with me, will be miserable. That is unacceptable.
However being a bit of a coward... I just hope the issue never comes up.

That was a lot more likely when Dad lived on Herbert street.

Why do I like playing with these filters so much... it is fun , like playing plinko, seeing how an image will break down. I like that things visually just happen without directly crafting the effect.

the end result isn't as fun as doing it though.

I had so many nice things to say about this weekend... but I didn't write any of it down.
We watched a lot of movies and played with our dog...we ate out, without concern for calories or money.... and it was very nice, and very relaxing.
However ......................once again..............when we came back to work, weekend overtime was waiting for us.
And, that is what made me want to write an entry after so long. Not the wonderful things that happen daily, the crap that drags me down at work. I know no one wants to work...and hating your job is not a novel position.... but I feel so frustrated.... and powerless. Maybe that's why it is the only thing I seem to write anymore... this is a monologue that I control.