Haloween 2011

Finishing "God, No!"

The Garbage trucks woke me up, So I read the last chapter of "God, No!" Penn Jillette's latest book .  Joe and I have been going through the book together... I read, he listens and we talk... Books go a lot slower that way, but our conversations are one of my favorite things. ... it is kind of annoying finishing by myself, I keep wanting discuss it. ...so I ended up here.

I hate summing up .... but if you haven't  read it, the rest of what I am about to say will make little sense.
Penn Jillette uses the mental exercise of replacing each of the 10 commandments with a new and more meaningful / beneficial suggestion.  ... the  structure is nice because his writing is very ...hmmm...?   loose .....But that description hardly gets to the meat of the book for me.
 What I felt when I read it, was that this was a man, sharing with the world the bits and pieces that form him, his views ...his passions... his beliefs.  The biblical commandments seem distant and irrelevant in contrast. ... I imagine that wasn't unintentional ....
As I read ... I became involved in his stories because they had this sort of oblique pull to them ... not all ...some chapters had a knock you over the head , this is what I think you should reconsider and tell me why  if you don't.... kind of feel .... but the ones that really sucked me in were the ones that half way through I was like what the hell is he talking about....
They were  the kinds of stories I hold on to ... things I tell and re-tell ... sometimes not knowing why. The stories that stay in your brain when the details of bigger  and more important events fade....then  you wake up at 3am one night with a new clarity  and see that they shaped you in some way.
(incomplete will finish later)

Ramble

The post before this one is old.  I wrote it a while ago but only saved it as a draft because I thought it might be a little too caustic. .... I am nervous about it still, but I wanted to put it up here because:- it is important to me , -when I read it over again I feel like I was pretty fair.... and I really didn't get a whiff of the negativity I thought I might find there, -and finally I thought it was chicken-shit of me staying so safe.

I have been avoiding writing here recently.... speaking of chicken-shit.... because I felt like I was overdoing a few t hemes.   I feel like this turned into the "Fat Atheist Girl who Hates Her Job" blog. .......and I feel annoying .

Magic

Less than a year ago I was at my Aunt's house visiting with relatives from out of town, and the conversation turned to Haunchy Town.

Haunchy Town is a local legend about a group of midgets that ran away from the Circus and created their own little sized town. The signs are supposedly half sized... the houses small .... and the miniature world is a heavily guarded secret locked behind a huge gate, guarded by a normal sized man with a shotgun.

There is something pretty interesting ,in a lurid sort of way, about the whole thing ... I can see the appeal.

-but- the conversation continued, everyone was joking and laughing, and Goggle maps was brought up on the computer (trying to catch a glimpse of the town) .... and then I was lost .... things bounced from ghosts to aliens to Haunchy Town, Landing on the Witch lady.

I first heard about the Witch Lady in High school. A friend of mine was planning to bring her Ouija board to the Witches house on Halloween (that was the tradition). I was interested in the story of the witch lady... and her huge demonic statues and the mysterious rituals people saw her preforming at night.....killing cats.... chanting........ The stories had a creepy vibe... and I found it enjoyable to indulge in the spooky story of a witch's house. I , even now, see the thrill behind over coming your fears enough to walk down a dark winding road , and touch and see with your own eyes, a piece of mystery.

-but-

When I was in College I met the Witch Lady. She was a wonderful artist named Mary Nohl. My History of sculpture class was invited to her house because the instructor had met her while collecting shells on the beach of Lake Michigan.

Her home was amazing inside and out. There were large sculptures on the lawn ( .... not demonic in any way .... no dead cats on stone altars) inside every surface was affected by her hands. Lamps were covered by collections of bottle glass and shells .... life size jute humans hung on the walls..... there were designs and patterns everywhere. It was wonderful and obsessive and it was amazing stepping into such a personal space. It felt very intimate....and it inspired me.

The topic of being The Witch Lady came up while we were there.... and it made me very sad. She hated it ....people sneaking into her yard sometimes breaking off chunks of the sculptures so they could own a piece of the local legend... she felt resented by her neighbors because of the traffic and spectacle her creations caused....

So back to my family gathering, I mention that I met her.

There is initially excitement," You met the Witch Lady!" and then a sharp drop off when I go into further detail.

I tell them my story ... I tell them that I believe that she died recently, but that portions of her house are on display at the Kohler art center .... and since the lap top was out they confirm it..... and then the conversation ends with disappointment, the mystery was solved. So they switch back to Haunchy Town, to regain the enjoyable mysterious tone, that can only be maintained with unanserable questions .

I will admit I am a kill joy... I have been in the unfortunate position many times of bringing the room down with my scepticism... and I don't much like my role .... I don't want to be dishonest and play along.... but I kind of hate it when my comments snap people out of the game they are playing.(asobu) there is an enjoyment I just absolutely slaughter. ...............and I get a bit defensive myself. When I said once that I didn't believe in anything supernatural I was halted by a comment from my Uncle ...."That's a shame".

so instead of defining what meant I snapped back with "why".

The conversation ended. Had I not been so sensitive it could have continued. I could go on with the ways I wish I were different when I speak to my family.... how I am afraid that I am snide, and forceful with my opinions.... and a little too self absorbed to let people complete their thoughts. -----But I want to get away from this self critique and get back to my point.

They had wanted to find the Witch's house.... but became uninterested when a fascinating but tangible individual was offered to them.... Plans to hunt down her house were scrapped when they found out it's location. I found that .... unsettling.

I think sometimes ..... because of how I approach most topics , people assume I lack a sense of wonder or magic . I don't believe I do.

I think there is a value in imagining what hides in the unknown shadows.... I enjoy speculation, and complete intricate invention. I Love fiction... and metaphor. But I don't need to give spectacular mysteries like Jesus or Big Foot more credibility than they deserve, and I get very squeamish when people insist that there is hard evidence for their existence. Then my whimsy stops in its tracks. If I am presented with a fact I discern it. I qualify it. I judge it. When I am given a concept or a story I indulge in it .... I run with it as far as I mentally can. So lately I have been sticking with fiction.

Maybe some people need to hold onto the idea that there is a reality to these stories, so that they can get involved in them. Maybe I am being foolish.

I loved Big Foot Stories when I was a kid ..... and Aliens ...and Ghosts and especially Loch Ness Monster!!!! .... and now as an adult ?---- I am interested, until I see a plaster cast of a foot come out.... then I see deception and fraud. Unfortunately some of those old areas of interest have become less yummy.

Maybe believing testimonials, and facts with out questioning them too much when just a little indulgent fun is on the line is normal. Perhaps I'm am wound way too fucking tight bringing the same brain I use for everything else to these sorts of subjects. I have difficulty taking things lightly.
.....but ......truthfully.........
 I am OK with how I see things.

... That Optimism Didn't Last Long

  On June 16th Joe and I will have been married for five years.  The most spectacular part about that is how fast time has .... well .... passed.  If I hadn't done the math a few times I would doubt it.
   We have been together a lot longer than that though I met him in college, late August of 1991, and we started dating at the close of the school year. (Our relationship is 3 years older than I was when I met him.)
...So even though I have a little bit of romantic attachment to our marriage it isn't the biggest deal in the world to me. (I will write something sweet about the last five year some other time)
-However-
Our anniversary is haunting  to me today because we finally went through with getting hitched (way back when) because I was unhappy at work and wanted to make sure that I was on his insurance plan. I was planning to quit ... I had all sorts of arguments in my head about who I really was, what I really wanted and how I couldn't be that person if I stayed.
    I am still there.
I am hesitant to write the next part of this post.
First, I am hesitant to bitch too much about the place I work ... I am not afraid of the repercussions .... if whining on this self serving blog (that no one sees) got me fired it would almost be worth it  for the story. ...but... no matter how messed up things are there, lots of other people seem to handle it with relative ease.So it is about me. No matter how valid my problems are I share he bulk of  responsibility for my dissatisfaction with them.  I am not a victim to them I am a victim to my own qualities and decisions. I stay because it is safe. I don't seriously plan for anything else because I am unambitious. ....and .... I fear actual contact with people ... maybe not on an individual basis but ... I am getting worse and worse ... I barely like to leave the house ... and no one ever comes here. I am happy that way ... it is what I want.... but I use to have the power to suppress those feelings when I had a desire (or need ) to join a community. Wanting to be an artist which in its base form is communication and not being able to happily socialize makes a serious career in art seem unappealing. I am trying to stay confident about things like Etsy ... I feel I can control that, and keep it on my own terms. however the flip side to that confidence is ugly and painful to be realistic about... are my crAzy ass plans to sell my "balls" on line ever going to be a workable solution to this job thing.... or are my plans one step removed from my other friends plans to win the lottery.... is desperation making things seem more feasible than they are?

Second, (remember I had a first point way up there someplace)  I am going through some really stressful things with my Dad and the house I grew up in ... He has pretty much abandoned the place.... I have horror stories about  the experiences I have been having there. Recently,  I have been trying to spend a little time each week there .... it is very hard... I don't want to be unfaithful to my Dad by making it a public rant... but it is hard ... It is  a Terrible mess with a ton of emotional connections ... and it is starting to work it's way into my dreams.

 I am on a sort of possibility high lately.
Work broke me for a little while. I was beaten by the daily routine and had gotten to the point that I only looked forward to the weekend... I was skimming through the hours, and wasting my life. I still find myself doing that.  Right now I feel good only because I took control over my weekend and preplanned a vacation day so that I wouldn't be hit up for overtime this weekend. I feel like I won somehow, but, it is  sad in its' own way  that I consider it a win for me burning one of my vacation days just to insure that I will  have a full and complete Saturday.... a day that I should be able to count on without any tricks.
BUT-----
This post isn't about complaints... it is about possibilities. I have been working a lot on my patterns... putting them on wooden balls.... and I think I may be able to sell them. I have done quite a few now, and I still find them exciting... I don't feel like I am manufacturing them and pushing them out just to make money. I am driven to do them just because of my own obsessive tendencies.... that makes me happy. I get a little squeamish when I am done... out of my hand they feel a bit ornamental or simply decorative... but I guess who cares. For years I avoided putting patterns in my work because I felt like it was some sort of cheat...like I was pandering. but... fuck it ... I enjoy this ... if I can sell them I might be able to make enough to pay the mortgage and if I can do that I can quit my job, and work for myself.
   Now comes the hard part for me ... the final stage of polish ... the packaging and the selling.... it all scares me ....
I am taking baby steps. - I proved that I can produce that won't be a problem ... in fact it makes me feel good. - I signed up for an Etsy account. - I started taking pictures that seem acceptable (even though I have to retake them because there is dog hair in every shot... but I got a technique now). -and I singed up for a free sample pack of standard rate shipping boxes.
For me this level of effort is amazing. Usually when I am done working on something I loose interest in it .....and misplace it or use it for a doorstop.... that is if I finish it at all.
I feel simple feeling proud about any of this but, I admit I am ... I think I can do this ...

Here are some pics, I have them posted on my journal also.