... That Optimism Didn't Last Long

  On June 16th Joe and I will have been married for five years.  The most spectacular part about that is how fast time has .... well .... passed.  If I hadn't done the math a few times I would doubt it.
   We have been together a lot longer than that though I met him in college, late August of 1991, and we started dating at the close of the school year. (Our relationship is 3 years older than I was when I met him.)
...So even though I have a little bit of romantic attachment to our marriage it isn't the biggest deal in the world to me. (I will write something sweet about the last five year some other time)
-However-
Our anniversary is haunting  to me today because we finally went through with getting hitched (way back when) because I was unhappy at work and wanted to make sure that I was on his insurance plan. I was planning to quit ... I had all sorts of arguments in my head about who I really was, what I really wanted and how I couldn't be that person if I stayed.
    I am still there.
I am hesitant to write the next part of this post.
First, I am hesitant to bitch too much about the place I work ... I am not afraid of the repercussions .... if whining on this self serving blog (that no one sees) got me fired it would almost be worth it  for the story. ...but... no matter how messed up things are there, lots of other people seem to handle it with relative ease.So it is about me. No matter how valid my problems are I share he bulk of  responsibility for my dissatisfaction with them.  I am not a victim to them I am a victim to my own qualities and decisions. I stay because it is safe. I don't seriously plan for anything else because I am unambitious. ....and .... I fear actual contact with people ... maybe not on an individual basis but ... I am getting worse and worse ... I barely like to leave the house ... and no one ever comes here. I am happy that way ... it is what I want.... but I use to have the power to suppress those feelings when I had a desire (or need ) to join a community. Wanting to be an artist which in its base form is communication and not being able to happily socialize makes a serious career in art seem unappealing. I am trying to stay confident about things like Etsy ... I feel I can control that, and keep it on my own terms. however the flip side to that confidence is ugly and painful to be realistic about... are my crAzy ass plans to sell my "balls" on line ever going to be a workable solution to this job thing.... or are my plans one step removed from my other friends plans to win the lottery.... is desperation making things seem more feasible than they are?

Second, (remember I had a first point way up there someplace)  I am going through some really stressful things with my Dad and the house I grew up in ... He has pretty much abandoned the place.... I have horror stories about  the experiences I have been having there. Recently,  I have been trying to spend a little time each week there .... it is very hard... I don't want to be unfaithful to my Dad by making it a public rant... but it is hard ... It is  a Terrible mess with a ton of emotional connections ... and it is starting to work it's way into my dreams.