The last few months have been bad... I won't say terrible because I can easily imagine worse... It is one of my gifts .... but bad. I have a sick feeling in my stomach as I write that. I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about how I feel right now. I feel cold and empty... tired even though I just came from sleeping. ...I'm sad in a powerless way that makes crying seem like effort.... I just feel empty and there is this shaking quivering blob of dissatisfaction in my belly. I can feel it.
My Dog is sick right now we will be going to the vet in just a few hours ... from work we came home to find a nice pile of diarrhea in the family room.....that was at lunch... then later when work was over a couple of hours later ... he had thrown up three or four times in the house... when Joe let him out he pooped liquid with a reddish tinge ... So we are going to the vet .... and I worry about that. A lot.
Joe keeps getting pressured for overtime at work.... this will be the second week in a row that he works on Saturday.... that means no weekend for him. If that was the end of it it would be fine , but it won't be... and that has been causing a lot of unhappiness ... We are of the same mind on this .... It is very stressful to not have control of your time and to have it taken from you. Others roll with this better than we do .... Joe has had a headache for a month now .... and talking and thinking about what to do about it has occupied so much of our time. As his wife ... I can say that he deserves better than this ... as a co-worker I can say this seems to be par for the course... but it is unacceptable.... and he deserves better than this.
Finally my Dad.... too complex and too sensitive to get into here .... but he has been in and out of the Hospital for the last few months... he is in (physical) rehab right now ... on the verge of being released ....but I think he will be back .... It is a very confusing situation .... I am filled with doubts... I am filled with sadness and anger .... and a little self pity. ........................................... He is 72 and fat and handicapped, I can't say there is nothing wrong with him, age is going to get him like it will get all of us....and ........... but.................... there is something else behind this some obscene loneliness ...a lack of will - he won't engage life -he doesn't understand what makes him happy. I can't make him happy ... I try but, it can't be from me ... and there have been times when I feel he is trying to test my devotion ??? There are times I feel that I am a target for resentment... since Mom died ... it makes me so sad ... I don't get it ...
I am writing this now on a whim ... I have been avoiding writing here for a long time because when I am alone these are the things I think about .... I didn't want a pity rant or to wallow in these emotions... but there it is anyway....
Crying no longer seems like effort, so I am going to take a shower ... and then concentrate on my Dog ...who I love and try to get through the next few hours.
My Dog is sick right now we will be going to the vet in just a few hours ... from work we came home to find a nice pile of diarrhea in the family room.....that was at lunch... then later when work was over a couple of hours later ... he had thrown up three or four times in the house... when Joe let him out he pooped liquid with a reddish tinge ... So we are going to the vet .... and I worry about that. A lot.
Joe keeps getting pressured for overtime at work.... this will be the second week in a row that he works on Saturday.... that means no weekend for him. If that was the end of it it would be fine , but it won't be... and that has been causing a lot of unhappiness ... We are of the same mind on this .... It is very stressful to not have control of your time and to have it taken from you. Others roll with this better than we do .... Joe has had a headache for a month now .... and talking and thinking about what to do about it has occupied so much of our time. As his wife ... I can say that he deserves better than this ... as a co-worker I can say this seems to be par for the course... but it is unacceptable.... and he deserves better than this.
Finally my Dad.... too complex and too sensitive to get into here .... but he has been in and out of the Hospital for the last few months... he is in (physical) rehab right now ... on the verge of being released ....but I think he will be back .... It is a very confusing situation .... I am filled with doubts... I am filled with sadness and anger .... and a little self pity. ........................................... He is 72 and fat and handicapped, I can't say there is nothing wrong with him, age is going to get him like it will get all of us....and ........... but.................... there is something else behind this some obscene loneliness ...a lack of will - he won't engage life -he doesn't understand what makes him happy. I can't make him happy ... I try but, it can't be from me ... and there have been times when I feel he is trying to test my devotion ??? There are times I feel that I am a target for resentment... since Mom died ... it makes me so sad ... I don't get it ...
I am writing this now on a whim ... I have been avoiding writing here for a long time because when I am alone these are the things I think about .... I didn't want a pity rant or to wallow in these emotions... but there it is anyway....
Crying no longer seems like effort, so I am going to take a shower ... and then concentrate on my Dog ...who I love and try to get through the next few hours.
