Two hours into Thanksgiving Day.....
I wanted to write this because I was feeling inspired for once. I have been very strange since my Dad died.
It isn't that I am sad................ I mean, I will be if I think about his death in any detail. BUT, This is different.............. I keep forgetting things and going blank . BIG important things. not simple forgetfulness......... like ...... I will be thirsty for hours to the point that my tongue is dry. I will have a response to the feeling of a dry mouth, and I will be annoyed that it is irritating .... but it's like I forget that there is something I can do about it.
Then Joe asks me if I'm thirsty and I have no clue. I have to search for the meaning ... it is too much for me to add up that a dry mouth + drinking something = happiness. And, when I drink I have this -Oh Yeah- moment ----------I remember now--------
(I don't know why I picked drinking for my example .... seems like I am trying to set up some heavy handed metaphor ... I wasn't .... I space out on less poetic stuff too.........every time I got out of bed I stepped on one of Boris's squeaky toys. This went on for a week. Then Joe picked it up and the problem was solved. I was impressed that he was able to put that all together and then act on a solution. )
SO, any fucking way, ... here is the super happy fun (positive thinking) point to this, and the reason I started writing...
I had one of those moments today... but it left me feeling ----------good?-------------more like myself--------- ?
At work Joe won a $100 gift check, but he gave it to me... and I bought a skull. I have wanted a nice one for a while .... and this one is super pretty. I have been carrying it around with me since I got it .... but tonight I decided to draw it .... the drawing wasn't anything special but I engaged earnestly in my attempt and I felt the happiness of exploring something. .... it was great.... it felt better than it has in a while... in my head I heard myself think ... oh yeah you use to be an artist or something.
That thought didn't make me sad, it was more like it surprised me that I even had that aspect to my personality.... I experienced something similar to pride but less boastful or defensive than I am accustomed to pride feeling. It was pride devoid of arrogance or concern for self worth...it was just a really pure simple feeling... I realized I enjoyed the act of drawing.
I kind of feel like I am an idiot for loosing sight of something so important.....but I think being empty helped me to put the pieces together in a simpler way -------------it is very simple----- but I have been making it convoluted... I have been murky about things.I still am. This is just one little glimmer and I won't make any promises about remembering and never forgetting again. However, tonight for a little while I was connected to myself and something outside of myself in the world.
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...just as a clarification... my patterns don't feel this way... they are different. They spill out, they are like releasing steam... no, more like purging a disease or vomiting or something.... they drive me... and I know they are me... but they are from some ugly buried part that I don't understand. I don't make decisions about where the lines will go, I just make the fucking lines.... and often I like erasing a conscious drawing I have made with them... I enjoy the idea that they are choking and destroying and corrupting something I planned out before.......as I said I know they are me...but... My patterns are more honest than I am... more confident... no hesitation at all. I despise them a little .... I feel like they ...........hmmm........ any sentence I use now feels like a contradiction... but I feel like they are a lie too................like if you saw them and gave me the credit for doing them it would be a lie.... When I am really tapped in to them I am gone, I am not thinking, I am not deciding anything. And, there is something slightly sad about how pretty they are .... why.... when they come from coping with pain and tension... why are they pretty?
????
I wanted to write this because I was feeling inspired for once. I have been very strange since my Dad died.
It isn't that I am sad................ I mean, I will be if I think about his death in any detail. BUT, This is different.............. I keep forgetting things and going blank . BIG important things. not simple forgetfulness......... like ...... I will be thirsty for hours to the point that my tongue is dry. I will have a response to the feeling of a dry mouth, and I will be annoyed that it is irritating .... but it's like I forget that there is something I can do about it.
Then Joe asks me if I'm thirsty and I have no clue. I have to search for the meaning ... it is too much for me to add up that a dry mouth + drinking something = happiness. And, when I drink I have this -Oh Yeah- moment ----------I remember now--------
(I don't know why I picked drinking for my example .... seems like I am trying to set up some heavy handed metaphor ... I wasn't .... I space out on less poetic stuff too.........every time I got out of bed I stepped on one of Boris's squeaky toys. This went on for a week. Then Joe picked it up and the problem was solved. I was impressed that he was able to put that all together and then act on a solution. )
SO, any fucking way, ... here is the super happy fun (positive thinking) point to this, and the reason I started writing...
I had one of those moments today... but it left me feeling ----------good?-------------more like myself--------- ?
At work Joe won a $100 gift check, but he gave it to me... and I bought a skull. I have wanted a nice one for a while .... and this one is super pretty. I have been carrying it around with me since I got it .... but tonight I decided to draw it .... the drawing wasn't anything special but I engaged earnestly in my attempt and I felt the happiness of exploring something. .... it was great.... it felt better than it has in a while... in my head I heard myself think ... oh yeah you use to be an artist or something.
That thought didn't make me sad, it was more like it surprised me that I even had that aspect to my personality.... I experienced something similar to pride but less boastful or defensive than I am accustomed to pride feeling. It was pride devoid of arrogance or concern for self worth...it was just a really pure simple feeling... I realized I enjoyed the act of drawing.
I kind of feel like I am an idiot for loosing sight of something so important.....but I think being empty helped me to put the pieces together in a simpler way -------------it is very simple----- but I have been making it convoluted... I have been murky about things.I still am. This is just one little glimmer and I won't make any promises about remembering and never forgetting again. However, tonight for a little while I was connected to myself and something outside of myself in the world.
------------------------------------------------------
...just as a clarification... my patterns don't feel this way... they are different. They spill out, they are like releasing steam... no, more like purging a disease or vomiting or something.... they drive me... and I know they are me... but they are from some ugly buried part that I don't understand. I don't make decisions about where the lines will go, I just make the fucking lines.... and often I like erasing a conscious drawing I have made with them... I enjoy the idea that they are choking and destroying and corrupting something I planned out before.......as I said I know they are me...but... My patterns are more honest than I am... more confident... no hesitation at all. I despise them a little .... I feel like they ...........hmmm........ any sentence I use now feels like a contradiction... but I feel like they are a lie too................like if you saw them and gave me the credit for doing them it would be a lie.... When I am really tapped in to them I am gone, I am not thinking, I am not deciding anything. And, there is something slightly sad about how pretty they are .... why.... when they come from coping with pain and tension... why are they pretty?
????
