Crazy Dreams... and Unstable Thoughts

The other day... I was waiting outside, for something, leaning over a railing and looking at the gravel. When the ground began to swirl. The movement was only in my head. It was like my brain started sorting the shapes into patterns, the same patterns that I draw.

 I feel.... unstable sometimes. My imagination can take form easily. When I close my eyes I see shapes and movement. The more I indulge in these thoughts the clearer they become... the more substance they contain.

 I would be happy about these mental wanderings if I was always able to keep control of them. However, vivid nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks and night terrors  are the flip side to this gift... and although recently this has not been the case... often what I see is horrible and carries with it this caustic quality that unhinges me.

 I have been experiencing this sort of thing since I was in Kindergarten. (I see things most often right before or after sleep). I know my patterns are connected somehow...
 -To be clear,  I don't try to recreate the patterns I see when I draw... I zone out when I draw, and the patterns flow without thought.

 I love and hate this about myself. I enjoy that I can tune myself into a place where things I don't understand flow from me.... I despise that whatever it is that I do make is uncontrollable... I feel like it isn't mine... like I am faking it or cheating--- that I am not so much an artist ... more like crazy is interesting if you spill it out on to the page.

BUT- I can't hide from this or avoid it so I am going to keep trying to figure it out.
(These types of thoughts led me to the 75 tile thingie I have been doing :) )
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OK because I want to end on something fun...
Way back when I was in college.... I was running on one hour of sleep for three days... (I swear I wasn't on anything else... just really tired) and I remember Joe and I went to Target and as I was walking through the store... I kept saying goofy shit about being tired and what I could see as we walked... and I remember telling him that "I could almost see... all these little tiny turtles following us  
calling out to me and trying to catch up ... they kept yelling "Blecky, Blecky..."

Tonight we will see Star Wars the Force Awakens. .... So I am writing this before I see it.... I am trying not to carry baggage into the movie. I want to be open to it, but I have concerns that I have not been able to shake. ..... My concerns leave me a bit apathetic. ....I am terrible at artificially building hype within myself........ Usually I am interested in everything .....too many things, so it isn't a problem. I worry that I might be petty or spiteful on this. So.... This is what I worry about, these are the thoughts I want to purge....

I really love George Lucas,  I get whatever it is that he does. That includes the prequels.... But more importantly it includes American Grafitti. For me American Grafitti functions on several levels. If you get off on nostalgia and the warm fuzzy feelings inspired by old music and beautiful old cars it gives you that........ I was a child in the seventies but somehow the movie still feels like my personal nostalgia... But why I love the movie, what drives me crazy is the path Kurt takes..... Through the night he is shown everything he could be ... Everything staying at home could offer.... And some things seem warm and cozy and pleasant....But by the end of the movie he comes to a place where he rejects it.... He heads into a future of uncertainty and excitement. It is beautiful to me seeing him reaching a dawn where he can head off in the plane.I get all teary eyed thinking of the ( new surfer crap ) beach boys playing in the background .... Seeing that he is traveling in the same direction as the mysterious white car he chased all night.
  I see so many shared themes with Star Wars... All of the Star Wars movies...... (I have way more to say on this, maybe I will write it out sometime ... But moving on for now...)
Will that voice... That heart be missing? I think what I love is specifically provided by Lucas.
I think someone could love Star Wars because of it's fucking cool light saber fights, chotzkies (sp?) and god damned amazing space ship battles....creatures... And not need anything else.... From the trailers the new movie looks great.... I worry though... Even if what it offers is good, how will I see those symbols and react.... And not expect to hear a tone or a voice that might be missing.
Basically I fear that I can't go in clean.... I would like to.... But I cannot fake enthusiasm, and I just don't have it.
Not that it is a competition.... But it is almost a shame .... I feel the void I have on this very clearly because I am completely preoccupied by thoughts of Hateful Eight... I am so hungry for it I am so excited .... And the contrast between my anticipation for SWTFA and hateful eight makes me feel even worse.
Ok maybe I purged a bit .... Maybe as time moves forward my excitement will build.

Stupid Project

This was the idea...
I bought a set of 75 tiles-so...
-I make 75 drawings
-all pattern
-black and white
-keep every tile no mater what No do overs.... Commit to each piece.

I have to admit ..... I am getting sick of these little grey squares. I am engaged in them while making them ..... but when I post them, I am bored by the wall of black and white patterns without an objective subject.
-AND-
Fuck, I am at like #42 out of 75...I will make myself finish.... but why didn't I think this through. I could have set my limit at 20.
To make things worse.... I cheat.... I started using cool and warm grey markers and black ink and pencil... and ink washed w/ alcohol -----that way I have blues and browns and purple to play with.  So I am fudging the rules with  technicalities ... fudging for who???? I made the fucking rules.I feel guilty like I am cheating .... then I have a mental argument with myself about whether I am within the boundaries.
I am wound too tight.
I am dying to draw something... any thing.... but I need to finish this first I think.

...the ones with the black edge are finished.Someday they will all be black, and I can sleep. :)