Crush

…The story of my first heartbreaking crush. 

  When I was in grade school I had a crush on my best friend. He was fascinating to me. I was young, and I was not very mature for my age, my crush was deep, but not particularly sophisticated. Others got it… in a way that I did not. So, when I say I had a crush, what I mean here is that I loved my friend and every thing he did became important to me because he was connected to it. I didn’t dream of kissing him or even holding his hand…. my feelings were very, hmmm...pure …….for lack of a better word. 

I was aware that he had his own crush, on a girl other than me… and I was fine with that, I rooted for him. Somehow his love for her was warm for me too…and I enjoyed his happiness. 

This next part will take a bit of setup … I had a horrible neighbor. She was my nemesis. She was sadistic in a way that was unparalleled. AND, she did not like me… I was her target. It wasn’t bullying, more of a rivalry.

 Normally I will fight you if you think I am too nice. (most people think I am nicer than I really am.) but in this case, just trust me, I am the good guy… terrible, she was terrible. She  craved attention, and manipulated people with whatever they desired. She bought them things… did them favors, preyed upon their fears and used blackmail to keep herself in the center of a large group of friends. I have many stories …. but for the sake of this ….. just run with the given that she was evil. 

   My friends especially the target of my crush were supportive of me and would back me… I didn’t ask them to, but it made me feel good… made me love them even more. 

   SO… one day in 4th grade,  on a rainy day when we couldn’t go out on the playground she decided the class would hold a beauty contest. I was so out of the loop and such a tom boy that I didn’t even know it was going on until it was over ….But I won… and this is how I won. My friend Kalvin gave a speech before the vote saying that I should be included in the contest because even though I was fat … I had such a happy pretty face and I was a lot nicer than any of the other girls. So in 4th grade all the boys voted for me. With Kalvin I think he might have been fond of me, but with the rest I think it was simple… I was one of their buddies.It wasn’t about being attractive or anything romantic. Simply I was their friend so they were on my side. I think it was this incident that sparked everything … from that day she did everything she could to pick me apart. 

   Skip ahead two years…. Things change. 

I was in the house alone when I noticed she had a large group of people in her yard. She was seated in a tall backed wicker chair on top or the picnic table. They were playing some sort of kissing game… She was the queen and the boys would have to climb up on the table and kiss her hand in order to get permission to do certain things … She was  ordering people to kiss her and one another … Everything had to have her approval…. Ok I admit I know what they were doing because I was spying on them …. Sad I know…. 

I noticed that my friend was in her yard and so was the girl he loved. 

I waited until things calmed down a bit. I summoned my courage, and, I went outside. I didn’t go out specifically because I wanted to talk to him… even though I was dying to. I went out because I realized I was afraid  to… and that pissed me off. I didn’t want to hide in my own house, I didn’t want her to control me like she did the rest… So I invented a reason and I went out. 

When I happened to make eye contact with my friend he waved and came over to the fence to say hi. 

Even him being in her yard made me sick a little… I remember feeling queazy… knowing something bad was coming. I mean it was a betrayal on his part even being in her yard … she was the enemy… an enemy he had always helped me face. … but I wasn’t mad … I understood and even felt a little foolish and immature thinking of it that way. 

I was not prepared for what came next. 

My neighbor … the beast that she was,  came over to the fence as soon as she saw us talking and said this “ If you want to stay here with us you can’t talk to her, and you have to call her a bitch. “  

 Like it was in slow motion I saw him look beyond my neighbor at the girl he had a crush on … I saw in his eyes that he would do whatever was necessary to stay in that yard.

He argued with my neighbor a bit … but in the end he said in a casual uncommitted  way “Becky You’re a bitch” …. he distanced himself from the sentiment by no selling the emotion of the phrase, but, he said it. 

In that moment all the Love I held for him left me …. it was just gone. It was disturbing how quickly it happened, it was disturbing how empty I felt. I wasn’t angry… I wasn’t sad (yet) but there was a hole in me… It was like the thing that was most important to me …. the feeling I woke up with and went to bed obsessing over vaporized. 

 The outcome of any minor battle between my neighbor and I lost all importance, because she had won the war. I was destroyed.

After that day, when I saw my friend again at school… he apologized  and told me, it didn’t mean anything… he didn’t mean it. I forgave him saying it wasn’t a big deal… I wasn’t mad …. I remember hoping he wasn’t too upset and hoping that things went well for him………. but I also remember that it was no longer exciting to be with him. I remember it felt unpleasant, and I was so happy when the conversation was over….Remembering a thrill that I no longer felt made me sad.  happily  we drifted away from each other after that… it felt like effort being his friend. Somehow that was worse than hating him.

…and that is how my first big crush ended.