Boring Ramble

I have not written what I would call a normal entry in here for some time.

 It's raining today so I feel like maybe I should.

Joe will be working OT the next couple of days, he is grumpy about that... I don't blame him.... I would be too. 

I have to admit though, him going to work, and having OT and how it feels to do something like that... it has become kind of an abstract thing for me. I remember.... but it feels foggy now. You would think that after nearly 15 years I would be able to slip right back in to form with shop talk, but no.... when we drove by the factory the other day it felt like just a building. ...And Joe's experience with the plant is so different than mine, I think I was one of the only links he had to his co-workers. 

 I seem to not understand anything outside this house.... (I am really pulling away.) Everything else seems distant and complex. 

   Hearing Joe's version of what working is like ..... it feels degrading ... and painful. I want to lighten that burden .... but I feel like he recognizes the fact that I can't relate anymore......... No I think that is the filter I put on it, I think he just doesn't care and wants to leave it behind ...... but I think he can't. 

I want to be supportive but I feel guilty because I am no longer there and no longer getting a paycheck.... I feel guilty every time he seems concerned about money. Part of the guilt comes from not doing enough around the house .... part of it comes from feeling like I am in no position to complain about anything, I basically got my wish. I am at home and for the most part I feel great ................... but this week there is a distance and a sadness I can't shake. I feel like I am being pathetic. .................whatever, my writing is always a little too full of self pity. 

This blog started years ago after a flood in my parents basement destroyed a paper journal of mine.  I don't write it anticipating an audience, but somewhere I realize that it may be seen or read by others. SO ... I have unintentionally  developed levels of exposure. 

From the inside out. 

There is Joe. I tell Joe nearly everything 

-> then there is my paper Journal/sketchbook. In that I write the things no one should see, but I still want to express. 

-> then there is this blog.... I write less here now because I have shared the link on Deviant art and people know how to use search engines ... but I still take chances . I can live with anything I have said.... but I don't want to hurt anyone and some of the things I have talked about on here could be personal to the point of being uncomfortable. I have mixed feelings about that. I feel like my lack of openness with others when face to face gives them the wrong picture of me. I feel safe that way, but I think I want to expose my true nature and be accepted more than anything else. (I will come back to this point) So this blog is in limbo right now. 

-> I guess next would be Deviant Art .... I did not think of or anticipate a community on DA when I started posting work there... It was a dumping ground for images. I started it mainly so I could show people what I was working on without risking a link to this blog. However, the lines are blurring.... as I get more involved with DA I find myself exposing and disclosing things.

-> Sadly, the next rung is probably face to face communication with any other human being. I feel like I have cut so many ties and walled off so many parts of myself that no one is really in a position to know me now. My awkwardness is increasing.................. 

... to be continued