Drive

Doing Something

Since I quit my Job…. I have become myself again……………. or I am getting close. 

However,  I can be a little fucked up so there are all sorts of realities I am crashing in to. 

It is honestly wonderful being alone roaming around the house at night… I sit under a lamp listening to music and draw most of the time. In my head I day dream…. complex and odd fleshed out fantasies. On the paper I am flying…. I feel very fertile…….. I don’t know what I think of what I am producing… but creating has become something other than escape…. no maybe that’s wrong…. It is still escapism I guess……….. but I am not fleeing or venting as much as I use to. I am fine with Just that.

 I thought that maybe all I was capable of anymore was channeling frustration through my pen. I thought that my patterns were only linked to pain and tension, because they erupted from me when I felt like I was breaking. I expended a lot of energy resenting them. That isn’t gone completely … and I still have plenty of negativity  swimming around in my brain but that isn’t all there is anymore. I hope that a greater complexity will show itself. 

I still lack the drive to sell

I have not cleaned the house…. I made it worse…. 

Those were two major mental selling points in my head when I was deciding to quit….. 

I thought in a genuine way that I didn’t do those things because I didn’t have time …. that time was the only thing holding me back ……….. 

I was wrong. 

I am lazy….. I procrastinate …… and I talk myself out of things. 

all huge hurdles for me. 

I am not kidding when I say I do nothing with my artwork now. 

I am stock piling it …. almost everything I have done in the last few years is sitting in a tupperware bin in my hall. 

Getting the bin was a big step for me actually. 

When I am working on something it is with me constantly …. or I want it to be. When I was working on my patterned wood balls I would put them in my pocket when I went out to eat, just so they were close…….. and the second I was done with them I would loose them …. they would end up in my laundry or in the refrigerator (that only happened once) in the car …. or rolling around on the floor. 

………

so

………

selling

……

I think I hate it. 

I don’t want to talk to anyone …. I don’t want to convince anyone they should care about what I have made…. 

I don’t hate everything that I make, but, I want the transaction to be very honest. Here I made this—— do you want it more than you want that money you have …. because I want that money. 

There is a place locally that sells arts and crafts on consignment. I think I am going to give it a shot. For the last three days I have been working up to writing and e-mail. 

day 1 — me-> This is great… I can do it …. I am great …. everyone will love me, How will I manage to deal with all the fame and money!

day2  - hmmm how do I price this …. If I follow the guidelines for handmade items “that” would cost $500 …. ridiculous …. I can live with 50 …. shit they take 30% …. if I add that on it is still too high ….. How do I package  this….

day3-Fuck…. why did I think this would interest anyone… I am being too pushy….

Day 4 is coming….. I have seen this pattern before with my Etsy store ….the one I put 5 items up on …. they sit there unseen …. I see the number of views The most viewed item hit 11 views …. I think 2 views were from me. 

On day 4 I would normally decide that I am not ready and I should keep stock piling…. keep working out the kinks …. make a better product… 

NO- I will push this through Mother Fucker!

(I like ending on Mother Fucker)

https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChobeksBazaar