Thursday, April 2, 2015
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Two hours into Thanksgiving Day.....
I wanted to write this because I was feeling inspired for once. I have been very strange since my Dad died.
It isn't that I am sad................ I mean, I will be if I think about his death in any detail. BUT, This is different.............. I keep forgetting things and going blank . BIG important things. not simple forgetfulness......... like ...... I will be thirsty for hours to the point that my tongue is dry. I will have a response to the feeling of a dry mouth, and I will be annoyed that it is irritating .... but it's like I forget that there is something I can do about it.
Then Joe asks me if I'm thirsty and I have no clue. I have to search for the meaning ... it is too much for me to add up that a dry mouth + drinking something = happiness. And, when I drink I have this -Oh Yeah- moment ----------I remember now--------
(I don't know why I picked drinking for my example .... seems like I am trying to set up some heavy handed metaphor ... I wasn't .... I space out on less poetic stuff too.........every time I got out of bed I stepped on one of Boris's squeaky toys. This went on for a week. Then Joe picked it up and the problem was solved. I was impressed that he was able to put that all together and then act on a solution. )
SO, any fucking way, ... here is the super happy fun (positive thinking) point to this, and the reason I started writing...
I had one of those moments today... but it left me feeling ----------good?-------------more like myself--------- ?
At work Joe won a $100 gift check, but he gave it to me... and I bought a skull. I have wanted a nice one for a while .... and this one is super pretty. I have been carrying it around with me since I got it .... but tonight I decided to draw it .... the drawing wasn't anything special but I engaged earnestly in my attempt and I felt the happiness of exploring something. .... it was great.... it felt better than it has in a while... in my head I heard myself think ... oh yeah you use to be an artist or something.
That thought didn't make me sad, it was more like it surprised me that I even had that aspect to my personality.... I experienced something similar to pride but less boastful or defensive than I am accustomed to pride feeling. It was pride devoid of arrogance or concern for self worth...it was just a really pure simple feeling... I realized I enjoyed the act of drawing.
I kind of feel like I am an idiot for loosing sight of something so important.....but I think being empty helped me to put the pieces together in a simpler way -------------it is very simple----- but I have been making it convoluted... I have been murky about things.I still am. This is just one little glimmer and I won't make any promises about remembering and never forgetting again. However, tonight for a little while I was connected to myself and something outside of myself in the world.
------------------------------------------------------
...just as a clarification... my patterns don't feel this way... they are different. They spill out, they are like releasing steam... no, more like purging a disease or vomiting or something.... they drive me... and I know they are me... but they are from some ugly buried part that I don't understand. I don't make decisions about where the lines will go, I just make the fucking lines.... and often I like erasing a conscious drawing I have made with them... I enjoy the idea that they are choking and destroying and corrupting something I planned out before.......as I said I know they are me...but... My patterns are more honest than I am... more confident... no hesitation at all. I despise them a little .... I feel like they ...........hmmm........ any sentence I use now feels like a contradiction... but I feel like they are a lie too................like if you saw them and gave me the credit for doing them it would be a lie.... When I am really tapped in to them I am gone, I am not thinking, I am not deciding anything. And, there is something slightly sad about how pretty they are .... why.... when they come from coping with pain and tension... why are they pretty?
????
I wanted to write this because I was feeling inspired for once. I have been very strange since my Dad died.
It isn't that I am sad................ I mean, I will be if I think about his death in any detail. BUT, This is different.............. I keep forgetting things and going blank . BIG important things. not simple forgetfulness......... like ...... I will be thirsty for hours to the point that my tongue is dry. I will have a response to the feeling of a dry mouth, and I will be annoyed that it is irritating .... but it's like I forget that there is something I can do about it.
Then Joe asks me if I'm thirsty and I have no clue. I have to search for the meaning ... it is too much for me to add up that a dry mouth + drinking something = happiness. And, when I drink I have this -Oh Yeah- moment ----------I remember now--------
(I don't know why I picked drinking for my example .... seems like I am trying to set up some heavy handed metaphor ... I wasn't .... I space out on less poetic stuff too.........every time I got out of bed I stepped on one of Boris's squeaky toys. This went on for a week. Then Joe picked it up and the problem was solved. I was impressed that he was able to put that all together and then act on a solution. )
SO, any fucking way, ... here is the super happy fun (positive thinking) point to this, and the reason I started writing...
I had one of those moments today... but it left me feeling ----------good?-------------more like myself--------- ?
At work Joe won a $100 gift check, but he gave it to me... and I bought a skull. I have wanted a nice one for a while .... and this one is super pretty. I have been carrying it around with me since I got it .... but tonight I decided to draw it .... the drawing wasn't anything special but I engaged earnestly in my attempt and I felt the happiness of exploring something. .... it was great.... it felt better than it has in a while... in my head I heard myself think ... oh yeah you use to be an artist or something.
That thought didn't make me sad, it was more like it surprised me that I even had that aspect to my personality.... I experienced something similar to pride but less boastful or defensive than I am accustomed to pride feeling. It was pride devoid of arrogance or concern for self worth...it was just a really pure simple feeling... I realized I enjoyed the act of drawing.
I kind of feel like I am an idiot for loosing sight of something so important.....but I think being empty helped me to put the pieces together in a simpler way -------------it is very simple----- but I have been making it convoluted... I have been murky about things.I still am. This is just one little glimmer and I won't make any promises about remembering and never forgetting again. However, tonight for a little while I was connected to myself and something outside of myself in the world.
------------------------------------------------------
...just as a clarification... my patterns don't feel this way... they are different. They spill out, they are like releasing steam... no, more like purging a disease or vomiting or something.... they drive me... and I know they are me... but they are from some ugly buried part that I don't understand. I don't make decisions about where the lines will go, I just make the fucking lines.... and often I like erasing a conscious drawing I have made with them... I enjoy the idea that they are choking and destroying and corrupting something I planned out before.......as I said I know they are me...but... My patterns are more honest than I am... more confident... no hesitation at all. I despise them a little .... I feel like they ...........hmmm........ any sentence I use now feels like a contradiction... but I feel like they are a lie too................like if you saw them and gave me the credit for doing them it would be a lie.... When I am really tapped in to them I am gone, I am not thinking, I am not deciding anything. And, there is something slightly sad about how pretty they are .... why.... when they come from coping with pain and tension... why are they pretty?
????
Monday, October 6, 2014
Birthday Vacation-I'm 41... This is what I did on my week off...
Movies watched-
(not in order)
Sisters
The Fury
Obsession
Carrie
Blow Out
Dressed to Kill
Body Double
The Birds
The Dunwich Horror
From Beyond
Firestarter
Brain Storm
Psychic
Akira
Secret of Nimh
American Tail
Land Before Time
Goliath Awaits
Harmontown Doc
Horror Star (Frightmare)
Evil Laugh
The Carpenter
American Gothic
I Madman
Exorcist
Incubus
Scanners
Texas Chainsaw Masacre
Totoro
--------------------------------------
Shows watched
Elfen Lied(all--- manga, Becky only)
RDG-(Becky only all)
Hozuki no Reitetsu(episode 1-5)
Family Guy Simpsons Crossover
completed Kokoro Connect
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love Walgreens! They sell these cheap plastic skulls every year. This is the one I decorated last week. To be honest the picture makes it look cooler than it is .... but it was still really fun. AND I love grey Sharpies!
Monday, September 29, 2014
This is just a dump of ATCs ..... I wanted to force myself to put something less dismal up. My last couple of posts were kinda bleak.
I don't feel like this blog is a very balanced representation of my personality..... but I guess writing that sentence, I wonder if a fair portrait of myself ..... or even a communication of who i am is what I am going for. It doesn't seem like it, based on what I have put up. ..................but.........................
I seem to do things, and then attach a logic to them. If I had wanted this to BE anything or SAY anything, I would have made it less confusing.... not just this post, the entire blog.
all cards shown are 2.5" X 3.5" (playing card size)
I don't feel like this blog is a very balanced representation of my personality..... but I guess writing that sentence, I wonder if a fair portrait of myself ..... or even a communication of who i am is what I am going for. It doesn't seem like it, based on what I have put up. ..................but.........................
I seem to do things, and then attach a logic to them. If I had wanted this to BE anything or SAY anything, I would have made it less confusing.... not just this post, the entire blog.
all cards shown are 2.5" X 3.5" (playing card size)
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
My father died a few days ago... I don't know what I am feeling. There is some sort of disconnect between my body and my emotions. I shake but my mind is blank.... my neck is snapping and cracking but I am speaking calmly. ........When I laugh it is just a little too much and too loud. I feel like swearing constantly.... and it is like there is this building electronic buzz inside my body........ I don't know what I am doing right now.
The funeral is on Friday, if I make it through that I think I will be able to reconnect the wires that are all crossed and fucked up.
The funeral is on Friday, if I make it through that I think I will be able to reconnect the wires that are all crossed and fucked up.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Bad ...but not... Terrible
The last few months have been bad... I won't say terrible because I can easily imagine worse... It is one of my gifts .... but bad. I have a sick feeling in my stomach as I write that. I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about how I feel right now. I feel cold and empty... tired even though I just came from sleeping. ...I'm sad in a powerless way that makes crying seem like effort.... I just feel empty and there is this shaking quivering blob of dissatisfaction in my belly. I can feel it.
My Dog is sick right now we will be going to the vet in just a few hours ... from work we came home to find a nice pile of diarrhea in the family room.....that was at lunch... then later when work was over a couple of hours later ... he had thrown up three or four times in the house... when Joe let him out he pooped liquid with a reddish tinge ... So we are going to the vet .... and I worry about that. A lot.
Joe keeps getting pressured for overtime at work.... this will be the second week in a row that he works on Saturday.... that means no weekend for him. If that was the end of it it would be fine , but it won't be... and that has been causing a lot of unhappiness ... We are of the same mind on this .... It is very stressful to not have control of your time and to have it taken from you. Others roll with this better than we do .... Joe has had a headache for a month now .... and talking and thinking about what to do about it has occupied so much of our time. As his wife ... I can say that he deserves better than this ... as a co-worker I can say this seems to be par for the course... but it is unacceptable.... and he deserves better than this.
Finally my Dad.... too complex and too sensitive to get into here .... but he has been in and out of the Hospital for the last few months... he is in (physical) rehab right now ... on the verge of being released ....but I think he will be back .... It is a very confusing situation .... I am filled with doubts... I am filled with sadness and anger .... and a little self pity. ........................................... He is 72 and fat and handicapped, I can't say there is nothing wrong with him, age is going to get him like it will get all of us....and ........... but.................... there is something else behind this some obscene loneliness ...a lack of will - he won't engage life -he doesn't understand what makes him happy. I can't make him happy ... I try but, it can't be from me ... and there have been times when I feel he is trying to test my devotion ??? There are times I feel that I am a target for resentment... since Mom died ... it makes me so sad ... I don't get it ...
I am writing this now on a whim ... I have been avoiding writing here for a long time because when I am alone these are the things I think about .... I didn't want a pity rant or to wallow in these emotions... but there it is anyway....
Crying no longer seems like effort, so I am going to take a shower ... and then concentrate on my Dog ...who I love and try to get through the next few hours.
My Dog is sick right now we will be going to the vet in just a few hours ... from work we came home to find a nice pile of diarrhea in the family room.....that was at lunch... then later when work was over a couple of hours later ... he had thrown up three or four times in the house... when Joe let him out he pooped liquid with a reddish tinge ... So we are going to the vet .... and I worry about that. A lot.
Joe keeps getting pressured for overtime at work.... this will be the second week in a row that he works on Saturday.... that means no weekend for him. If that was the end of it it would be fine , but it won't be... and that has been causing a lot of unhappiness ... We are of the same mind on this .... It is very stressful to not have control of your time and to have it taken from you. Others roll with this better than we do .... Joe has had a headache for a month now .... and talking and thinking about what to do about it has occupied so much of our time. As his wife ... I can say that he deserves better than this ... as a co-worker I can say this seems to be par for the course... but it is unacceptable.... and he deserves better than this.
Finally my Dad.... too complex and too sensitive to get into here .... but he has been in and out of the Hospital for the last few months... he is in (physical) rehab right now ... on the verge of being released ....but I think he will be back .... It is a very confusing situation .... I am filled with doubts... I am filled with sadness and anger .... and a little self pity. ........................................... He is 72 and fat and handicapped, I can't say there is nothing wrong with him, age is going to get him like it will get all of us....and ........... but.................... there is something else behind this some obscene loneliness ...a lack of will - he won't engage life -he doesn't understand what makes him happy. I can't make him happy ... I try but, it can't be from me ... and there have been times when I feel he is trying to test my devotion ??? There are times I feel that I am a target for resentment... since Mom died ... it makes me so sad ... I don't get it ...
I am writing this now on a whim ... I have been avoiding writing here for a long time because when I am alone these are the things I think about .... I didn't want a pity rant or to wallow in these emotions... but there it is anyway....
Crying no longer seems like effort, so I am going to take a shower ... and then concentrate on my Dog ...who I love and try to get through the next few hours.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
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