... That Optimism Didn't Last Long

  On June 16th Joe and I will have been married for five years.  The most spectacular part about that is how fast time has .... well .... passed.  If I hadn't done the math a few times I would doubt it.
   We have been together a lot longer than that though I met him in college, late August of 1991, and we started dating at the close of the school year. (Our relationship is 3 years older than I was when I met him.)
...So even though I have a little bit of romantic attachment to our marriage it isn't the biggest deal in the world to me. (I will write something sweet about the last five year some other time)
-However-
Our anniversary is haunting  to me today because we finally went through with getting hitched (way back when) because I was unhappy at work and wanted to make sure that I was on his insurance plan. I was planning to quit ... I had all sorts of arguments in my head about who I really was, what I really wanted and how I couldn't be that person if I stayed.
    I am still there.
I am hesitant to write the next part of this post.
First, I am hesitant to bitch too much about the place I work ... I am not afraid of the repercussions .... if whining on this self serving blog (that no one sees) got me fired it would almost be worth it  for the story. ...but... no matter how messed up things are there, lots of other people seem to handle it with relative ease.So it is about me. No matter how valid my problems are I share he bulk of  responsibility for my dissatisfaction with them.  I am not a victim to them I am a victim to my own qualities and decisions. I stay because it is safe. I don't seriously plan for anything else because I am unambitious. ....and .... I fear actual contact with people ... maybe not on an individual basis but ... I am getting worse and worse ... I barely like to leave the house ... and no one ever comes here. I am happy that way ... it is what I want.... but I use to have the power to suppress those feelings when I had a desire (or need ) to join a community. Wanting to be an artist which in its base form is communication and not being able to happily socialize makes a serious career in art seem unappealing. I am trying to stay confident about things like Etsy ... I feel I can control that, and keep it on my own terms. however the flip side to that confidence is ugly and painful to be realistic about... are my crAzy ass plans to sell my "balls" on line ever going to be a workable solution to this job thing.... or are my plans one step removed from my other friends plans to win the lottery.... is desperation making things seem more feasible than they are?

Second, (remember I had a first point way up there someplace)  I am going through some really stressful things with my Dad and the house I grew up in ... He has pretty much abandoned the place.... I have horror stories about  the experiences I have been having there. Recently,  I have been trying to spend a little time each week there .... it is very hard... I don't want to be unfaithful to my Dad by making it a public rant... but it is hard ... It is  a Terrible mess with a ton of emotional connections ... and it is starting to work it's way into my dreams.

 I am on a sort of possibility high lately.
Work broke me for a little while. I was beaten by the daily routine and had gotten to the point that I only looked forward to the weekend... I was skimming through the hours, and wasting my life. I still find myself doing that.  Right now I feel good only because I took control over my weekend and preplanned a vacation day so that I wouldn't be hit up for overtime this weekend. I feel like I won somehow, but, it is  sad in its' own way  that I consider it a win for me burning one of my vacation days just to insure that I will  have a full and complete Saturday.... a day that I should be able to count on without any tricks.
BUT-----
This post isn't about complaints... it is about possibilities. I have been working a lot on my patterns... putting them on wooden balls.... and I think I may be able to sell them. I have done quite a few now, and I still find them exciting... I don't feel like I am manufacturing them and pushing them out just to make money. I am driven to do them just because of my own obsessive tendencies.... that makes me happy. I get a little squeamish when I am done... out of my hand they feel a bit ornamental or simply decorative... but I guess who cares. For years I avoided putting patterns in my work because I felt like it was some sort of cheat...like I was pandering. but... fuck it ... I enjoy this ... if I can sell them I might be able to make enough to pay the mortgage and if I can do that I can quit my job, and work for myself.
   Now comes the hard part for me ... the final stage of polish ... the packaging and the selling.... it all scares me ....
I am taking baby steps. - I proved that I can produce that won't be a problem ... in fact it makes me feel good. - I signed up for an Etsy account. - I started taking pictures that seem acceptable (even though I have to retake them because there is dog hair in every shot... but I got a technique now). -and I singed up for a free sample pack of standard rate shipping boxes.
For me this level of effort is amazing. Usually when I am done working on something I loose interest in it .....and misplace it or use it for a doorstop.... that is if I finish it at all.
I feel simple feeling proud about any of this but, I admit I am ... I think I can do this ...

Here are some pics, I have them posted on my journal also.

Haloween Again...again

personality quiz

Haloween Cards Again

I am always apologetic when I post my Halloween cards.... I will try to avoid that this time.

I pass out candy at work with little cards attached. On the cards are creepy-ish

 creatures and skulls that I draw. I then alter the images using different filters. Filters that I would feel cheep using any other time.

I am on my annual vacation when they are distributed ...( If I actually had to hand them to another human being  ....  well I wouldn't do it). 

So I usually sucker a friend of mine into the duty ( .... I try to ask someone who finds that sort of thing enjoyable ) I tried to stay anonymous at first... but people realized they were from me. Even after that I tried to hide the fact that I drew them, but everyone knows everything by now.... so I am just playing some weird mental game.

AND

I am afraid it was my own crappy ego that let people in on the secret... I just had to show off and tell one person here and another there .. 

anyway ...

it wasn't all self protection and squeemishness about attention though.... 

   When I started passing them out originally, I had invented a sort of ghost story  for the factory... He was an employee who got caught in the gears of his own machine on the last day before retirement. 

I liked playing along with the concept.

I imagined he was a very sad individual who had no life left in him ... and found himself without desires now that he no longer had his place in the company. I imagined that he was satisfied to be killed by the machine he ran for so many years.. 

and on Halloween he left candy for everyone......

boy does that sound stupid --------writing it out I feel like a dork...

I was told today to expect weekend overtime next weekend .... and possibly the weekend after that.
Initially I was happy that I wasn't asked to come in this weekend... but the weight of the future is starting to press down on me. I feel pressure ...................lots of pressure to make this full weekend count. I have a ton of insanely ambitious plans, and that mean thats I will do nothing.  The main thing I NEED to do is take enjoyment were I can and not get buried.

Random

 When we came out of work for our lunch break (4:45 am) there was this amazing double rainbow. The sky was dark but the rainbow was glowing. By the time I took this picture the sun was coming up and it wasn't the same.

We took Boris to Kohler Andre. He was terrible in the car, and seemed afraid of the water. 

 

This is my new pig grill. Smoke comes out of the snout................Don't worry, that is beef not pork on the grill.

 

I keep making these...