Some Kind of Magical Deer (or something)

mixed stuff

lost

I have been hesitant to write or post anything recently….

Not only here but everywhere.  There are emails I never responded to… and comments on my DA  account that I never intended to ignore…. 

…. and if you could see my thoughts you would know it isn’t apathy that keeps me silent, almost the opposite. I am hesitant and lack confidence with the words I am using. I lay down a sentence and then strip it away … spitting out and then backtracking ….. It is taking me forever to write this. …..and it says nothing. 

I am trying to force myself and just put anything here, I mean this is a self indulgent dumping ground if I can"t find a flow here, in a place of no judgement how am I going to rejoin the world. 

this is more frustrating than I thought it would be… 

in my head there is constant chatter…. imagining writing this or responding to a conversation I had at Christmas…. Obsessing over every element of what I take in…. bottlenecked with some sort of internal voice that won’t commit to a single viewpoint or answer. there is chaos and then indecision …….

In my head I will rant or whine and then chastise myself for not taking everything that I can into consideration. Actually I am always like that…. but recently I don’t even finish my initial rant, I leave it as an incomplete thought that I then condemn and never finish. …. add to that random mental noise and self doubt and poof… that’s where I am right now. 

My drawings have been saying the same thing… there are quite a few in a row that seem like they are a part of this confusing soup in my head…. I forced myself to post a few…. but,  after I scan them I look at the image and can’t see anything in them….. it isn’t even that I think they are terrible or that i am embarrassed of them it’s like I see them and see a void…. I can’t grab on to a single thing that makes sense ….. 

Everything is unraveling in front of me, like saying a word so many times that it loses all context or meaning and becomes just a pile of weird sounds…..

Maybe I am on the precipice of some kind of discovery and this is an awesome stage of mental confusion….and I will see it soon….. but right now I am a little lost.

43!

Well I am 43 now...
I thought I would be posting a huge list of horror movies but so far we have mainly been watching anime (Re Life) and the new Luke Cage series on Netflix ..... We watched Sugar Hill (1974) and a few other movies .... but we aren't on pace to beat any old records or anything. :)
it's OK though...
......
on Deviant art there was a poll asking why you create art .... I thought my answer turned out interesting so I am reposting it here:

Option 1 "keeps my sanity"
Even though it feels a lot like going crazy...
I can't stop even if I want to..... this might sound a little pathetic... but....

When my life is at its worst, when I have lost myself to the real world (shitty jobs, tragedy, stress, anxiety ) and I feel empty..... my compulsion to create angrily asserts itself.... it is like a voice in the darkness that tells me I am not worthless... that there is more to me than can be taken away or lost. 
The patterns that I draw show up in everything... they haunt my dreams and flash behind my eyelids in the hazy moments just before and after sleep .... they find their way to paper if I come close to holding a pen..... 
I don't mean to imply that my creative desires are really soothing or comforting when they rescue me from giving into the mundane....... it's more like there is some last little angry seed that is indignant about being suffocated.... and it is going to survive and take revenge on my complacency....
I am in a pretty good spot now, so I realize that The anger will die down when I accept and respect the part of me that creates.... and I can find a soothing edge to all of this....but I would have to say (when I have really needed it,) if my art is therapy for me it feels like some kind of -scared straight, tough love slap in the face....not a soothing bubble bath with candles. 

Another Dump....

I am getting more and more tight..... not sure why... it isn't bad really. But I guess I am a little squeamish about the idea that tiny details are an impressive technical feat.... 

I am working small and tight for emotional / psychological  reasons, not to impress....

Well, I'm not going to worry.... I always worry too much. 

Wicked World (rainbow)

This started as an alien landscape.... a rainbow in a world without color.... but I can't decide if even I think that concept is hokey or profound.... so I went with Wicked World....... I like the sound of the word wicked ..... it has a nice twisting sound....... and everything drawn seems to have spikes and attaching tendrils.... 

However, now I am kind of bristling at the idea that this is somehow an evil place. If anything I think it would be unintentionally toxic to foreign life. 

Unglamorous Becky