What do I want

Joe is sleeping next to me on the couch... we are watching American Ninja. This was his rental choice.
Maybe that isn't the best opening line for my new blog but I don't know where else to start. I don't really have a plan.
I am coming back to my on-line Journal after an absence that can be counted in years. My old web page Chobek's Box is pretty much dysfunctional... and even if it wasn't full of links that don't work and images that don't load... it kinda sucked.
I am assuming this new attempt won't suck I suppose, but, I want to have confidence at the beginning of my scheming at least. I don't want to be so squeamish about the things that I write and do, that I never try anything. (I am already censuring my strong desire to throw out disclaimers... I like those... but I go a bit nuts sometimes ...to the point that I seem fake instead of just paranoid about seeming foolish.)

Here is what I want from this
- I am losing touch with myself and I want to do something to actively bring my loose ends back together. I feel passionate attachments to too many ideals, thoughts, TV commercials... Some things really are important to me and my life... others are just sideways and backward vented energy coming from what I keep bottled up. Maybe I can pull back if I write it out...and see where things fit, what is repeated, what I can let go of and what I can take steps to control.

- I have lost touch with community.
I love and feel very happy in the little bubble I live in.(We, Joe Boris and I ) are so warm and comfortable... and I mean that in the best way possible
-but-
....... I don't know how to say this next part...... I am clinging to that happiness so tightly that everything else has become the enemy. I don't see new experiences as opportunities any longer I see them as possible disruptions......................and when I do have the desire to make contact with other humans... I am spastic and incoherent. I talk at people now instead of to them ... and I find myself unable to represent myself ... or at least the person I think I am............I feel constantly judged at the same time that I feel completely misunderstood. I am pulling away, further than I ever have...... and I am beginning not to care.
When I make efforts to connect I want there to be a buffer... small gifts instead a direct conversation to say that I was thinking of them....Fantasy conversations in my head, This blog written to no one .....like a message in a bottle...but I am not really even hoping that it is found....I am more comforted by the idea that it will be lost in the excessive amount of information that is the Internet.... I won't lie somewhere I have grand ideas about the things that I spill out here touching someone...but... I don't think I could write this if I really felt it would have an impact.

Example- My cousins Jenny and Craig travel and see the world... I see the photos and hear the stories... and I envy them...but only to a point... when I picture myself in their shoes I find myself wishing that I could go these places and be invisible. I want to watch, but not participate in the world.
So here I will write things... and for now not expect or solicit responses...but maybe in the future I will put it out there a little further... maybe I will try to make a connection...

-I think a lot of weird little things are pretty... I want to share those things that make me happy...

- I work in a factory... I am unhappy at work. ...there are a bunch of assholes I don't care about...and a bunch of people that I do care about that are constantly getting shit on by those assholes.
I need to vent ................I am feeling pretty worn down.

-Writing this makes me feel like I've done something.