I have been sitting on the couch for a long time.
I have wanted to pick up the lap top next to me, but I didn't. I was too busy drawing my patterns.
...In my head, the topic of this post changed about five time while I obsessively filled the blank spots on my piece of cardboard.
I wanted to stop. I had other needs besides this blog ... I had to pee (I still do) I was kinda hungry, I was thirsty (I have a soda right next to me) but I just kept filling in spaces. So now I am going to write about my fucking patterns... and how they make me feel simultaneously cheap, unique, and crazy...... but I am going to go pee first.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
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This is a list of Inspirations, whys, and Maybes
-When I was in Grade school I went to a neighbor's house. Her sister went to the same school as I did, but she was a year ahead of me (that was impressive) . She was doing her art homework. She had a mimeographed sheet with a triangle on it. The instructions on the sheet asked her to draw a straight line connecting one side of the triangle the point of the triangle, making two triangles. Do this as many times as you can .... and then color in each triangle a different color.See how many you can make.
She had like six.....
and I was sure I could do better. So at home I kept drawing triangles within triangles until they were so small I couldn't bisect the triangle without filling it completely with my pencil .I didn't obsess about the color portion of the assignment. I have never been too interested in color.
( Joe actually thinks I am slightly color blind, because I keep calling everything, from blues to yellows to browns- green)
-I love filling in the loops in letters..... oaqRp
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-Mom gave me a piece of paper one time and told me to scribble on it ... when I was done I was supposed to look at it and fill in some of the areas and make images out of the random shapes.
- I had a book about codes and cyphers that I liked a lot. So, I was into inventing codes for a while ..... I wasn't any good at it though ..... mainly I looked in the dictionary at the foreign alphabets or did simple numeric equivalents and letter shifts------ a=z b=y c=x ..... but I also had some terrible but creative ideas. I wanted to learn how to knit so that I could make a sweater having knit=dot and pearl = dash .... and then I would write my message in simple Morse code.
But I don't know how to knit.... and I don't know Morse code... and there isn't a real demand for that sort of thing....I had some WWII spy shit in my head.
I also designed alphabets with concepts like gravity and wind direction. I would imagine things leaning and falling off of letters.................
anyway ........................
How this relates.... I hid messages in my patterns. For example one vertical line was an A one horizontal was B two vertical was C and so on.... BUT ...even I can't retrieve these messages.... I make up the rules at the time and don't record them... I don't really want the messages to be readable , or important ... I just like rules.
BREAKING NEWS..... We just got a red ring of death on our 360...mother fucker..........
Back to patterns-
-They calm me in almost every situation.... I don't handle anger well... or tension... and I will get stuck on a single thought and not be able to move forward.... a negative thought just plays looped in my head. Drawing a pattern snaps me out of that sort of negativity. I think I become so involved in them that they override everything else.... Seriously, I get a little weird with them .... sometimes Joe will say something and I won't even hear him .... There are times that I can't sleep because I feel like I have more work to do..... It is driving me nuts that I am not finished with the one I am working on currently....
O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O
Why do they make me feel cheap?
I have a strange adversarial relationship with my creative talents. Writing and drawing are important to me...and my identity. I draw my patterns for myself...but.....
someone once pointed out, art is communication, if this were all just for me I wouldn't need paper... and I have a fucking blog..... so I must desire communication on some level.....
????
Am I being dishonest?
... I have noticed a link....
When I feel unspecial or vulnerable my Journal comes out.... I could be charitable to myself and say that I use my journal and my drawings to sort things out, and I wouldn't be lying.
However, what if something uglier is also true, what if I do it to impress others .... and assert my abilities when I feel I have been underrated...
It makes me cringe....
I feel like my patterns are one step further down that path....
Sometimes I worry that they are superficial zip-a-tone that I throw over any image, because I know tiny details are impressive.
I don't feel that way when I am working on them..... but...........
... when people like them I get kinda sick feeling.... like I caught them in a scam.... and when I try to squirm away from compliments, I think they feel I am being falsely modest.... but usually I just start feeling like I want to throw up, and in my head I wish I wasn't so obvious or needy.
I have wanted to pick up the lap top next to me, but I didn't. I was too busy drawing my patterns.
...In my head, the topic of this post changed about five time while I obsessively filled the blank spots on my piece of cardboard.
I wanted to stop. I had other needs besides this blog ... I had to pee (I still do) I was kinda hungry, I was thirsty (I have a soda right next to me) but I just kept filling in spaces. So now I am going to write about my fucking patterns... and how they make me feel simultaneously cheap, unique, and crazy...... but I am going to go pee first.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
This is a list of Inspirations, whys, and Maybes
-When I was in Grade school I went to a neighbor's house. Her sister went to the same school as I did, but she was a year ahead of me (that was impressive) . She was doing her art homework. She had a mimeographed sheet with a triangle on it. The instructions on the sheet asked her to draw a straight line connecting one side of the triangle the point of the triangle, making two triangles. Do this as many times as you can .... and then color in each triangle a different color.See how many you can make.
She had like six.....
and I was sure I could do better. So at home I kept drawing triangles within triangles until they were so small I couldn't bisect the triangle without filling it completely with my pencil .I didn't obsess about the color portion of the assignment. I have never been too interested in color.
( Joe actually thinks I am slightly color blind, because I keep calling everything, from blues to yellows to browns- green)
-I love filling in the loops in letters..... oaqRp
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>-Mom gave me a piece of paper one time and told me to scribble on it ... when I was done I was supposed to look at it and fill in some of the areas and make images out of the random shapes.
- I had a book about codes and cyphers that I liked a lot. So, I was into inventing codes for a while ..... I wasn't any good at it though ..... mainly I looked in the dictionary at the foreign alphabets or did simple numeric equivalents and letter shifts------ a=z b=y c=x ..... but I also had some terrible but creative ideas. I wanted to learn how to knit so that I could make a sweater having knit=dot and pearl = dash .... and then I would write my message in simple Morse code.
But I don't know how to knit.... and I don't know Morse code... and there isn't a real demand for that sort of thing....I had some WWII spy shit in my head.
I also designed alphabets with concepts like gravity and wind direction. I would imagine things leaning and falling off of letters.................
anyway ........................
How this relates.... I hid messages in my patterns. For example one vertical line was an A one horizontal was B two vertical was C and so on.... BUT ...even I can't retrieve these messages.... I make up the rules at the time and don't record them... I don't really want the messages to be readable , or important ... I just like rules.
BREAKING NEWS..... We just got a red ring of death on our 360...mother fucker..........
Back to patterns-
-They calm me in almost every situation.... I don't handle anger well... or tension... and I will get stuck on a single thought and not be able to move forward.... a negative thought just plays looped in my head. Drawing a pattern snaps me out of that sort of negativity. I think I become so involved in them that they override everything else.... Seriously, I get a little weird with them .... sometimes Joe will say something and I won't even hear him .... There are times that I can't sleep because I feel like I have more work to do..... It is driving me nuts that I am not finished with the one I am working on currently....
O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O8O
Why do they make me feel cheap?
I have a strange adversarial relationship with my creative talents. Writing and drawing are important to me...and my identity. I draw my patterns for myself...but.....
someone once pointed out, art is communication, if this were all just for me I wouldn't need paper... and I have a fucking blog..... so I must desire communication on some level.....
????
Am I being dishonest?
... I have noticed a link....
When I feel unspecial or vulnerable my Journal comes out.... I could be charitable to myself and say that I use my journal and my drawings to sort things out, and I wouldn't be lying.
However, what if something uglier is also true, what if I do it to impress others .... and assert my abilities when I feel I have been underrated...
It makes me cringe....
I feel like my patterns are one step further down that path....
Sometimes I worry that they are superficial zip-a-tone that I throw over any image, because I know tiny details are impressive.
I don't feel that way when I am working on them..... but...........
... when people like them I get kinda sick feeling.... like I caught them in a scam.... and when I try to squirm away from compliments, I think they feel I am being falsely modest.... but usually I just start feeling like I want to throw up, and in my head I wish I wasn't so obvious or needy.
But... if I never got any compliments I bet I wouldn't feel very good either , as long as I am being honest.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
I like illuminated manuscripts and the first ornate letter in a fairy tale book.
o(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)o
Repetition excites me
I have this counting thing I do.
Once again this is about rules..... I will give myself 50 lines to fill a space, or 5 lines in one direction before I can change direction. I create rules for just about every segment I work on. ...........and I get myself into some weird predicaments. For example, I will give myself 120 lines for a space, at 89 lines I will visually be satisfied, but, I make 120 lines anyway.......because I have to .........those are the rules.
I guess the obsessive nature of my rules is where the crazy comes in.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In grade school we were often given large sheets of news print. We would fold them into sections, and separate the sections with dotted or dashed lines ..... Then draw pictures in the sections. One time the teacher said that we could be creative with the lines .....have like a dot-dash-dot , or dash- dash-dot.......
I spent way more time and energy on the lines than the pictures.
If you have ever played the Tron video game you might know what I mean.... I start drawing a line ... with my only rule being I can't cross over any line I have drawn already.
I guess that is enough about patterns.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
I like illuminated manuscripts and the first ornate letter in a fairy tale book.
o(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)o
Repetition excites me
I have this counting thing I do.
Once again this is about rules..... I will give myself 50 lines to fill a space, or 5 lines in one direction before I can change direction. I create rules for just about every segment I work on. ...........and I get myself into some weird predicaments. For example, I will give myself 120 lines for a space, at 89 lines I will visually be satisfied, but, I make 120 lines anyway.......because I have to .........those are the rules.
I guess the obsessive nature of my rules is where the crazy comes in.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In grade school we were often given large sheets of news print. We would fold them into sections, and separate the sections with dotted or dashed lines ..... Then draw pictures in the sections. One time the teacher said that we could be creative with the lines .....have like a dot-dash-dot , or dash- dash-dot.......
I spent way more time and energy on the lines than the pictures.
If you have ever played the Tron video game you might know what I mean.... I start drawing a line ... with my only rule being I can't cross over any line I have drawn already.
I guess that is enough about patterns.
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