...not as nice as I seem....

I don’t know that I will post this…. but, I am going to write it anyway. So, if you are not me, I warn you… 

you might not get much out of it … I think it will be long …..it will wander …. and it will be uncomfortably bitter…. 

 I don’t know how to justify having a blog ….. it is such a self absorbed activity. There are things on here that I am a  afraid of revealing about myself…. and things that I know are so personal that they are an indulgence only I could understand or enjoy. I guess most of the posts I assume I will come back to later and I will laugh with Joe ….. or after I die Joe will find it interesting. So that is my perspective when I write. 

 

 I will stop here to say this …. I realize that I mention Joe a lot… I know how that can seem. But….. he is the only human I really have natural contact with anymore… Since I quit my job about a year ago I can count on my fingers (barely using the second hand) the times I have socialized with anyone else. I have had a few online interactions and conversations with waitresses that were significant but basically I am living the hermit life I dreamed of. SO… Joe factors greatly in my life ….. Even beyond love... beyond friendship and all of those things that keep us close…. he has become my only link to the world…. and he isn’t exactly rooted there himself. 

 So… why I am writing this…….. The other day we went out to eat…… I have mentioned here before that I am very fat ….. not a little, very.  Anyone who denies that is lying.

There is a certain percentage of the population who just think I am a disgusting monster.  I have become very aware of the people surrounding me because of this. Joe and I try our best to avoid people ….. we eat at times when things aren’t as crowded and work around the rest of the world….. If there was a time I felt like I was a part of culture, I don’t anymore. 

So… as we were eating facing each other and trying to blot out everything else -- I could feel my spider senses tingling …. and I was unable to tune out the two tables in front of me …. at one booth there was an older couple…. and the guy was staring at me, it made me uncomfortable …. and he was definitely staring…. because I kept accidentally making eye contact …. but that wasn’t a big deal I didn’t enjoy it, but he just seemed like a grumpy fucker and I think he could have been staring at me or an empty chair it didn’t matter….. but at the other booth were about 6 guys …. middle age …. and there was laughing nudging and “look, look…………” and then snickering……… 

it continued …. and I could tell there was some sort of egging on…. I tried not to look or listen but that never does any good …… so i look up just in time to see one of the assholes lean Looking around Joe’s back and extending an arm to take my picture.  

This is why I say I hate people….. this is why I don’t really want to leave my house anymore. There is no saving me now. If I could flip a switch and become thin and beautiful…. or just average do you know how much I would hate everything, because I would be treated different …. and it wouldn’t warm me……………… So I put on blinders and avoid and become bitter. 

I have told the silly and sweet story about Joe asking me out before (….. I think of it warmly so I hate to taint it by shoving it in this rant) so sorry for repeating myself…. but….

By the end of freshmen year of college I was in a panic because I wanted to make sure I kept in contact with Joe …. he had become both my best friend and a heart squeezing crush for me… We were very compatible. However we always did things in a group of other people, so breaking out and making plans with just him was unnerving. I was more concerned about losing contact with my friend than starting a romantic relationship…. but he certainly made my heart flutter…

I worked up to asking him to go see a movie… Alien3 ….. and I kept my distance from him wanting to make sure he didn’t think I had anything in mind other than friendship. ( Joe thought it was a date … and was confused about why I was so stand-offish )

A few days later on the phone-

Joe tried to make things clear, I panicked and hung up on him. He started by saying that a friend of ours had told him that I liked him…. and my response was “I wonder why he said that…. well I gotta go… bye…” and I hung up … Joe said I seemed really angry… 

a couple of days later he brought it up in some way again… and I think that time I avoided the subject (but I don’t really remember the conversation).

then on the third call he finally just came out and asked me …… and I still wouldn’t answer … I spit back “Well, do you like me?” and when he said a kind of a what the fuck do you think " yes "I finally broke and everything spilled out….. but holly shit poor Joe….. 

Usually I tell that story because it makes me happy in a romantic dreamy way…. 

-and it is cute …. and sweet :) 

But----- today I want to bring up how fucked up it is …. how little trust…. how little confidence I had. I own that,  it isn’t really anyones fault. 

…...But…..

I can see the stepping stones that added up to me being so fearful… 

and i see how they still affect me…. the scars ….. I remember what made them. 

I remember:

-A female friend of mine lecturing me( after I talked to a guy at a party about horror movies)  …. she told me not to do that…. that the only reason she hung out with me was because she would look like the more attractive choice when we hung out. So what good was I if I wasted the guys attention. She was uniquely bold …. but did others have those thoughts? 

• a male friend who talked to me for hours about how lonely he was…. he would constantly say “why can’t normal girls be like you?” He told me about his plan …. we would both change over the summer, he had things he didn’t like about himself too and when we were both normal we would start dating and show up the assholes that looked down on us….. He was fairly clear that I would have to be thin before I would be acceptable…. and seemed to think that when I did change he would be in the running for dating me…. at the top of the list actually…. I never cared about his deficiencies…. and would have dated him, but what I realized after having things so clearly laid out…. If i wasn’t good enough fat, it was understandable….. but….. in no way would I be interested when thin. (it was at this point in my life that I realized I didn’t want to change….It was ok with me if no one was interested …. but I hated thinking that people wanted to pour me into a different bottle and then things would be perfect. I wanted someone that would love me as I was … but I also started thinking that any romantic feelings I had would be a burden to the recipient… and more …. I feared what I would think of them if I knew how they felt.  
• A female friend my best friend at the time …. who twice lied to me and cut me out of plans because she was embarrassed to be with me in certain situations.
• ...being in a group of friends and watching as they laughed at other fat people …. knowing that I would be the same if I was on the outside.             
• The many times people told me I wasn’t when I described myself as fat …. they meant to be kind….. but it made me realize the negative connotation the word had. 
• The people who were sweet to me when no one was around and aloof in public………. Many times the secret would come out later …. they were once fat,  or had a fat sister they loved …. or Mother, or cousin. They always wanted me to know they understood…. and show kindness privately  …….they were cowards.      
• Talking on the phone… and seeing disappointment upon meeting. At first I didn’t get it (same with the internet) people seemed bizarrely nice …. then I realized they were hitting on me I just wasn’t use to it. :)                                                           
• ….. The constant public attention and lightly concealed laughter …. when -swimming -biking -walking existing……. 

I am sick of this pathetic list. 

Here is my point….. When I say I hate people this is what I mean…. and I do hate…. 

I don’t want to have these encounters anymore …. not because I wish I was different …. not because I am ashamed …. but because I don’t like myself very much when I encounter these things… I become very ugly…. I feel like a monster….. 

Because when the guy took my picture there was a part of me that wanted to see a puddle of blood and teeth on his fucking table that I was responsible for. Not Joe me ….. there is a part of me that wants to feel the bones break. 

This is what I mean when I say I hate people….

I think  If I stay in the house I can keep loving them. 

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Sorry.... My life wasn't so terrible.... and I really am not violent.... I don't know why i am as fucked up as I am........ honestly I am just venting because someone is fucking with Joe at work.... I feel powerless.... and so I have a little bit of a ......... let the world burn attitude tonight. Don't take me too seriously..........