mixed stuff

lost

I have been hesitant to write or post anything recently….

Not only here but everywhere.  There are emails I never responded to… and comments on my DA  account that I never intended to ignore…. 

…. and if you could see my thoughts you would know it isn’t apathy that keeps me silent, almost the opposite. I am hesitant and lack confidence with the words I am using. I lay down a sentence and then strip it away … spitting out and then backtracking ….. It is taking me forever to write this. …..and it says nothing. 

I am trying to force myself and just put anything here, I mean this is a self indulgent dumping ground if I can"t find a flow here, in a place of no judgement how am I going to rejoin the world. 

this is more frustrating than I thought it would be… 

in my head there is constant chatter…. imagining writing this or responding to a conversation I had at Christmas…. Obsessing over every element of what I take in…. bottlenecked with some sort of internal voice that won’t commit to a single viewpoint or answer. there is chaos and then indecision …….

In my head I will rant or whine and then chastise myself for not taking everything that I can into consideration. Actually I am always like that…. but recently I don’t even finish my initial rant, I leave it as an incomplete thought that I then condemn and never finish. …. add to that random mental noise and self doubt and poof… that’s where I am right now. 

My drawings have been saying the same thing… there are quite a few in a row that seem like they are a part of this confusing soup in my head…. I forced myself to post a few…. but,  after I scan them I look at the image and can’t see anything in them….. it isn’t even that I think they are terrible or that i am embarrassed of them it’s like I see them and see a void…. I can’t grab on to a single thing that makes sense ….. 

Everything is unraveling in front of me, like saying a word so many times that it loses all context or meaning and becomes just a pile of weird sounds…..

Maybe I am on the precipice of some kind of discovery and this is an awesome stage of mental confusion….and I will see it soon….. but right now I am a little lost.