Contagion

(Originally this was a response in a comment string on DA.... I planned to write about the experience again here.... then I realized I could cut and paste) 

.... it is unflattering to be faced with your fears.... to be tested and fail....

Coronavirus precautious suggest that we stay in our homes.... and isolate. 

Joe and I treat the world like it is slightly contagious normally..... so you would think  that we would do well in this new world of fear. BUT, on Friday we eat out.... and we are as habitual as we are antisocial. 

So we went out.... 

we picked an unpopular time, a familiar place, and brought a little container containing antibacterial wipes.  

It was a pizza place with a bar on one side and tables on the other .... we were alone in the restaurant at first, but as we ate a woman came in. 

She was alone..... and I could feel her hovering behind me ..... even without disease I would have been mindful of that ..... 

On the television there was constant coverage of the Coronavirus.... loud unavoidable discussions about contagion...... Joe and I were talking to one another,close and quiet, about our own interests.... and the woman creeped closer.... closer .....  I looked up to see her standing right in front of me .... in fact she was leaning on the back of one of the chairs at our table..... 

Joe didn’t look up or make eye contact....  because he doesn’t do that in general. I did though, I always make eye contact, and when I did she started talking to us and leaning closer....some part of my brain was occupied by the words she was saying..... but another larger part was thinking .... ok go away now.... you seem nice but...

She was saying something like ....they’re not going to let us do anything pretty soon.... and I responded weakly with a halfhearted laugh.... I remember thinking I should have been more polite.... 

In one ear on the television they were going through the specifics of washing your hands  and in the other I heard her say that they quarantined her husband in his nursing home and she couldn’t get in to see him.... 

My first thoughts were not compassionate ones... even though that is probably the response I would like to have had . 

I quickly bounced from thought to thought -when was the last time she saw him -was the quarantine put up in time - what is she breathing on -what is she touching - where is the spittle from her laughter landing on my table ...... I was a little stunned .... I had some slight urge to gently nudge he away from our table ..... like if I had a broom handle or something.... and a few different scenes from zombie flicks popped into my head..... especially since the ongoing newsfeed seemed like a red flag  scene in the first quarter of a horror movie. 

She didn’t cough any blood on me or anything.... and eventually she left after I said .... a noncommittal “that’s terrible” ....

I can honestly say I didn’t care about her at all, or even think of her as a fellow human until she went back to her own seat....... Then of course I felt super guilty and found the empathy I had been lacking....... I still feel bad, it is a genuinely tragic story..... but, even now, with all my regrets ... if she were here I wouldn’t exactly want to give her a hug either.....