Old Journal Entry 9-22-99

Boogie Nights is on cinemax�. It is killing me not watching it. I turned up the sound so I can hear it and be reminded of my favorite scenes, I have quite a few. I love the movie. I think it is one of the warmest stories about love family and self-appreciation out there.

I want to write a bit tonight simply because I feel the urge to create�.possibly share � and I don�t want to let this die. I don�t understand it myself. I don�t know why I have a web page or an online Journal with lots of my private thoughts. I should probably spend some time looking into those urges, BUT! Never the less I am here I am writing this and I will post it on my public page.

Sometimes I think about conversations I would have with people � things I say without tension , Things said to let people in � but those conversations rarely develop and when the moment to share appears it is such a narrow window � I can�t seem to cram every little anticdote of personal growth or humor into normal conversation without seeming incredibly clever (in that bad way) or muddle headed and simple.

To be honest without too many disclaimers showing that I am actually quite meek I have to admit I like myself pretty much � I have some issues � some huge areas where self improvement could be helpful (Lack of any and all ambition, suppression of emotions, disorganization and horrible house keeping skills the 80 million ditzy things I do every day) But
And here comes my secret strength and that confidence that I hide so well� I think my respect for structure and interest in weird shit is an asset � I like that I am easily contented � I like that I love very freely and feel deep emotional bonds to people even at inappropriately early stages. I don�t share a lot of my feelings OK I rarely do but the emotions themselves keep me alive. I am very proud and happy with my devotion to Joe and I love knowing without doubt that he loves me�. I am good at doubt and it feels great to have such a confidence on my side �and of course I love to hold his hand or hug him and feel the solidity of our bond � but enough of that I could go on forever about Joe and I and what delights me about our relationship � because for eight years now I have lived with this wonderful feeling of having a soul mate�. But
New people have popped into my life in the last few years.. Mary (hi) you wrote me an e-mail the other night, it came after a long pause created by me, and I just missed talking to you in the most profound way and I didn�t understand what held me back and why I didn�t keep the contact I wanted to. I have relatives here in Milwaukee that I love and think about daily � Grandpa Aunt Audrie � Craig Jenny� that I just don�t connect with � and the gap is coming from me� I just act like an idiot sometimes� BUT back to the positive�

Very recently I have noticed friendships building at work and it is so strange for me � usually I know people and like them but there are actually people I confide in � people that I care about and hold my interest. Now this may seem strange to those of you that are more social than I am but the other day a friend of mine patted me on the back � and I didn�t cringe LOL ok cringe is a strong word but usually if someone touches me it freaks me out a little bit�. If I don�t know them I feel the spot they touched for hours after the act and even if I like them when I realize they are touching me I stiffen all up. That didn�t happen this time the action was actually received as the casual and normal expression it was meant to be � that is amazing for me. OK I bet that is a pretty scary paragraph for some people to read � I have just crossed over to official freak�. You now imagine me in some dark basement drooling on myself with the lights dimmed so they won�t damage my sensitive mole eyes� but really I seem quite normal in public. Sometimes I even seem bubbly�

OK THE FINAL STRAW � I have to cut this short because ��.ugh ��. Sliders is starting on sci-fi channel right now and I want to go watch it� could I seem any geekier than I do now? I give up I am slithering back to my cave for the night .

Time has passed sliders is over and I am a bit less dramatic�.

During the commercial breaks I had a chance to think over what I had written earlier tonight. I find it disturbing that I have no problem opening up in text writing things I would never speak� and it seems strange to me that any of these insights are publicly accessible � I wouldn�t care if people read them infact I am sure I would like it in a way. I sometimes have trouble letting the people that I care about know that they fall into that category�. But�this whole process of venting here in this way, well it just seems sleazy�. I need to work on that I suppose .
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..... looking at the post above, I realize that I haven't changed.... Well I have, I have gotten worse. I have distanced myself even further from the rest of the world... and I find myself bitter and old. I still see beauty in the people around me, but I don't really have a relationship with any of them and I think the number of people I would hug without hesitation has dropped considerably... I think I am just kind of a cold person... at least in public.... and I am much more comfortable watching the world. I have always fantasized about being able to go places and do things...see people without being seen myself. It may be a childish thought......but it comforts me. HOWEVER I don't really watch Sliders anymore, so is that has changed. I didn't like the new Star Trek movie either.... however I think it is OK to like the movie ,in the eyes of the people, so that probably puts me in the overly picky nerd category again. Fuck it .............

Growing Pot

I have one of those hydroponic herb gardens in my kitchen...not because it is useful, just because I think it's neat. I was looking at it today and I started thinking that I should grow pot in it. I'm not going to for a few reasons... mainly because I don't have any use for it since I don't smoke.... but it was connected to some line of thinking that went like this....

-It pisses me off that they want to put an R rating on any movie that contains smoking, bullshit -> Why shouldn't homosexuals be allowed to marry.... that's bullshit -> why is prostitution illegal,they have no business controlling our bodies -> I like Porn.... fuck them for trying to tax it...and sugary drinks.... -> I should grow Pot in my hydroponic garden.

I keep having all of these grand ideas about what I want to write here. When I am at work...and I feel like I spend most of my life there ....I think about topics, and concepts and it keeps me at least slightly engaged. When I come home though, I fall asleep.
I suck.
Joe is just getting out of the shower, we will be watching Mythbusters soon ad I am happy about that. But, ------------somehow I am already depressed about the weekend being too short. It's Thursday, and I feel like things are already booked up. We don't really have a ton of obligations.............some long term nagging things like getting a fence or buying a washer or cleaning (pick any room-I finally took the Christmas tree down a week ago)..... but no obligations that I haven't blown off a million times before. I guess what I am getting at is ...I have a shitty attiude.

self

Dreams

I had my first terrible dream about Boris the other night. There wasn't much to the dream, but it tapped into some part of my brain, and I was made to experience it.
Basically I was walking Boris, the Leash broke, and he ran away. So we all (I think I was with a bunch of cowboys on a ranch for some reason) split up and looked for him. ...and I found him dead. I remember feeling guilt because somehow it had been my fault... and I remember how his heavy dead body felt as I carried him back crying. I couldn't shake the feeling of the dream for hours,it still makes me tense now even though Boris is belly up sleeping next to me.
Joe and I never have nice dreams... Joe's are tense mine are horrific. I remember Joe telling me about a dream he had ....there may have been more to it .... but .... we were holding hands backed up against a wall and water was rising all around us, in the dream he knew we were going to die, but he remembers it being OK with him because we were together. I think it is sweet.... but I think it was still tense for him and he woke up with a terrible headache.
I have way too many stories about dreams.... and the great thing about me is mine don't stop when I wake up. I keep waking Joe up screaming telling him to kill a rat that he can't see sitting on the end of the bed ready to bite him,or crying because something is crawling on me. Once I remember looking over at Joe and his face was smashed in... there was blood everywhere, I remember there being deep pits filled with black clotting blood and bright red liquid blood running down and staining the sheets..... and I knew I had done it. so I freaked out.... screaming once again. That woke up Joe... He had to talk to me for a few minutes to convince me that I hadn't killed him. I remember it vaguely.... I don't know what he said at all.... I think I was kind of hysterical but I remember as he talked to me I could still see the wounds.... the longer he talked the less severe they became and finally I believed him when he told me nothing was wrong.
OK this one is funnier... when Joe and I were first going out.... we fell asleep in my room.... All of a sudden I jumped out of the futon ran across the room and started screaming in the corner. I was mad this time. In the dream Joe and I were at HoChunk Casino. they were giving away these stuffed dinosaur tails that you wore around your waist dragging behind you....each tail had spots to put poker chips. The chips were triangular and fit into the tail like the spines on Godzilla. Joe kept stepping on my tail and taking my poker chips!!!! It made me very angry. It took about an hour before I believed it was all just a dream.... I was very poutty about it and Joe just kept laughing...and that pissed me off more.... Poor Joe.
When I was younger maybe 3rd grade I had a dream about my best friend at the time Irene. We were sitting in a tree watching people shoot targets at an archery range. One of the arrows strayed and shot her through the heart, and she was dying. I went to run and get help, but , when I brought someone back Irene turned into a doll, and I was chastised for playing a practical joke.When they left Irene would be begging me for help and crying..... this went back and forth for a while... until finally she died. The next night the dream continued. This time I was in a barn brushing my horse (Named Liberty)... in the corner of the stable was a stool .... with the doll of Irene.... and because she was mad at me she knocked over a hurricane lamp and burned the barn to the ground. I got out, but Liberty did not. So in the second part of that dream Liberty bit me in the head because he was mad that I let him burn up. ........ I have this drawing I did in school, it is this folded over piece of news print- on the front cover is this cute crayon drawing of me brushing my horse..... and on the inside the horse is biting me in the head and there is like a gush of this blue grey water coming out.
Writing this ..... I just keep thinking of more ..... weird terrible dreams ....and different stages of hallucinations....
-for a while I woke up and saw bugs crawling all over the wall.... sometime those were pretty though and would leave little tailing patterns of light.
-Sometimes I walk around and end up in weird places.
-I went through a stage where I was awake but I couldn't move ... and I would stop breathing.... and I would panic.... I knew if I could touch Joe (who was next to me) I would be OK but I couldn't get my hand to move.... I would finally snap out of it but that was just fucking horrible to go through.
-About a year ago I would wake up convinced I was dying and my heart would start racing.... and I could hear my heartbeat..... I couldn't ignore it... and it wouldn't let up for hours .... I couldn't tun it out ..... that led to me not being able to sleep at all because I couldn't escape my beating heart...... and not sleeping is a whole other topic.....
This is getting too long..... and I sound like a freak.... so I am going to stop ......... :) I am at a pretty good stage right now anyway..... and I have been sleeping pretty well.

Pictures From the Last Few days

Wedding Picture

I went to my photobucket site today and some of my images were taken down .... I guess I didn't read the terms of service..... so I will have to find some other way to post images. That's one of the things I specifically liked about this blog I could put an adult content warning at the entrance. Well I will work on taking down my photo bucket stuff.... I guess they are a service and if I wish to use that service I should play by their rules... I only used them because I saw some images form their site that were of an adult nature..... so I thought it was safe ..... oh well ......that's what I hate about stuff that just exists on-line...... I have no control over it.

I am writing this .... so that I can say that I have.....I lost a little momentum on my Journal, and I am forcing myself into making this a continued indulgence. I feel better after I write, or draw... and sometimes weird things develop, things I didn't see before.

I complained in a different entry that I carry my {paper} journal around at work like a security blanket... but I didn't go into detail on what I meant by that.
...so...

I have kept a diary or Journal off and on now since Junior High ... When I look through them sometimes I am faced with feelings and images that make me squeamish. I don't like being confronted with some of the ideas I had when I was young, and lost.... or worse... I find something in a book fifteen years old that is more sophisticated or genuine than I am capable of being now. However, I am fond of those books and the collection of them is important to me ...
The journals are filled with the emotions that I don't share with the rest of the world. Looking back ... they can be pretty cryptic... I will avoid topics, or use code names and happy content moments are rarely represented at all ...So they aren't necessarily more accurate than my memories...They seem to contain the more selfish emotions. I find times of sadness, hate and pity.... lots of ugly self indulgent rants that I spill out without worrying about a different perspective... and, drawings.
The drawings have developed their own sloppy attitude. I don't think about an audience, so I feel very little pressure to preform.... you can see it in them... sometimes it makes them stale and too dependant on convention .Sometimes though, I enjoy their energy because I don't feel they are forced out of me. The just kind of trickle out.
So, that's what my journals are to me ....

...and I am ashamed of myself for caring one around at work because.....

I only do that when I am not confident. I only seem to carry my journal around when I feel that no one understands me. Don't get me wrong I don't show it to anyone .... I just have it......on hand as a reminder that I'm not worthless.

Big Baby Frog

This is the first story I ever wrote... I was too young to write it down myself so on the back of my drawing my Dad put down exactly what I told him to write, and this is what it says...

The Smiling Flower

When something went wrong , he didn't grow. He was as little as a baby frog, then he felt something strange, he began to grow,Then he grew up to the sky. Then he saw a big baby frog & a Big Butterfly that picked him up & ate him. The butterfly said yum & the flower was gone.

Up Alone

I feel pretty good right now... I woke up, Joe was asleep next to me and Boris was out in the living room... so I got to be sneaky and get off using the thrill of getting caught as an incentive. Then I made myself some eggos with blueberry jelly.

I guess I've decided to admit that I masterbate here. I have gone back and forth on that sort of thing, but fuck it .... If one of my family members stumbles across this I would be more afraid of the things I have written about Mom because that has the potential to hurt...and.... The people I know from work, well, they either don't know what this inter web thing is, or they masturbate themselves....... they just aren't as proud about it.

It is important to me at this moment though, so I want to write about it. I feel good. I have not been feeling good lately. I have been constantly worring... or angry ...or sad. Joe and I have been comforting each other when we hug, and there is always this "You and Me Against the World" quality to it. When he wakes up I am going to make sure I give him a hug because I love him, and not because I know I can cling to him in tough times. I like having someone to support me ...... but we have been retreating and licking each others wounds too much, there is so much more we are capable of...... I don't mean like real ambition or anything... I just mean the things that are defeating us are smaller than we are. I think we need to stop giving our jobs and duties the weight we do.... There is always time for an Eggo.