Old Journal Entry 9-22-99

Boogie Nights is on cinemax�. It is killing me not watching it. I turned up the sound so I can hear it and be reminded of my favorite scenes, I have quite a few. I love the movie. I think it is one of the warmest stories about love family and self-appreciation out there.

I want to write a bit tonight simply because I feel the urge to create�.possibly share � and I don�t want to let this die. I don�t understand it myself. I don�t know why I have a web page or an online Journal with lots of my private thoughts. I should probably spend some time looking into those urges, BUT! Never the less I am here I am writing this and I will post it on my public page.

Sometimes I think about conversations I would have with people � things I say without tension , Things said to let people in � but those conversations rarely develop and when the moment to share appears it is such a narrow window � I can�t seem to cram every little anticdote of personal growth or humor into normal conversation without seeming incredibly clever (in that bad way) or muddle headed and simple.

To be honest without too many disclaimers showing that I am actually quite meek I have to admit I like myself pretty much � I have some issues � some huge areas where self improvement could be helpful (Lack of any and all ambition, suppression of emotions, disorganization and horrible house keeping skills the 80 million ditzy things I do every day) But
And here comes my secret strength and that confidence that I hide so well� I think my respect for structure and interest in weird shit is an asset � I like that I am easily contented � I like that I love very freely and feel deep emotional bonds to people even at inappropriately early stages. I don�t share a lot of my feelings OK I rarely do but the emotions themselves keep me alive. I am very proud and happy with my devotion to Joe and I love knowing without doubt that he loves me�. I am good at doubt and it feels great to have such a confidence on my side �and of course I love to hold his hand or hug him and feel the solidity of our bond � but enough of that I could go on forever about Joe and I and what delights me about our relationship � because for eight years now I have lived with this wonderful feeling of having a soul mate�. But
New people have popped into my life in the last few years.. Mary (hi) you wrote me an e-mail the other night, it came after a long pause created by me, and I just missed talking to you in the most profound way and I didn�t understand what held me back and why I didn�t keep the contact I wanted to. I have relatives here in Milwaukee that I love and think about daily � Grandpa Aunt Audrie � Craig Jenny� that I just don�t connect with � and the gap is coming from me� I just act like an idiot sometimes� BUT back to the positive�

Very recently I have noticed friendships building at work and it is so strange for me � usually I know people and like them but there are actually people I confide in � people that I care about and hold my interest. Now this may seem strange to those of you that are more social than I am but the other day a friend of mine patted me on the back � and I didn�t cringe LOL ok cringe is a strong word but usually if someone touches me it freaks me out a little bit�. If I don�t know them I feel the spot they touched for hours after the act and even if I like them when I realize they are touching me I stiffen all up. That didn�t happen this time the action was actually received as the casual and normal expression it was meant to be � that is amazing for me. OK I bet that is a pretty scary paragraph for some people to read � I have just crossed over to official freak�. You now imagine me in some dark basement drooling on myself with the lights dimmed so they won�t damage my sensitive mole eyes� but really I seem quite normal in public. Sometimes I even seem bubbly�

OK THE FINAL STRAW � I have to cut this short because ��.ugh ��. Sliders is starting on sci-fi channel right now and I want to go watch it� could I seem any geekier than I do now? I give up I am slithering back to my cave for the night .

Time has passed sliders is over and I am a bit less dramatic�.

During the commercial breaks I had a chance to think over what I had written earlier tonight. I find it disturbing that I have no problem opening up in text writing things I would never speak� and it seems strange to me that any of these insights are publicly accessible � I wouldn�t care if people read them infact I am sure I would like it in a way. I sometimes have trouble letting the people that I care about know that they fall into that category�. But�this whole process of venting here in this way, well it just seems sleazy�. I need to work on that I suppose .
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..... looking at the post above, I realize that I haven't changed.... Well I have, I have gotten worse. I have distanced myself even further from the rest of the world... and I find myself bitter and old. I still see beauty in the people around me, but I don't really have a relationship with any of them and I think the number of people I would hug without hesitation has dropped considerably... I think I am just kind of a cold person... at least in public.... and I am much more comfortable watching the world. I have always fantasized about being able to go places and do things...see people without being seen myself. It may be a childish thought......but it comforts me. HOWEVER I don't really watch Sliders anymore, so is that has changed. I didn't like the new Star Trek movie either.... however I think it is OK to like the movie ,in the eyes of the people, so that probably puts me in the overly picky nerd category again. Fuck it .............