Chobek's Box

I am writing this .... so that I can say that I have.....I lost a little momentum on my Journal, and I am forcing myself into making this a continued indulgence. I feel better after I write, or draw... and sometimes weird things develop, things I didn't see before.

I complained in a different entry that I carry my {paper} journal around at work like a security blanket... but I didn't go into detail on what I meant by that.
...so...

I have kept a diary or Journal off and on now since Junior High ... When I look through them sometimes I am faced with feelings and images that make me squeamish. I don't like being confronted with some of the ideas I had when I was young, and lost.... or worse... I find something in a book fifteen years old that is more sophisticated or genuine than I am capable of being now. However, I am fond of those books and the collection of them is important to me ...
The journals are filled with the emotions that I don't share with the rest of the world. Looking back ... they can be pretty cryptic... I will avoid topics, or use code names and happy content moments are rarely represented at all ...So they aren't necessarily more accurate than my memories...They seem to contain the more selfish emotions. I find times of sadness, hate and pity.... lots of ugly self indulgent rants that I spill out without worrying about a different perspective... and, drawings.
The drawings have developed their own sloppy attitude. I don't think about an audience, so I feel very little pressure to preform.... you can see it in them... sometimes it makes them stale and too dependant on convention .Sometimes though, I enjoy their energy because I don't feel they are forced out of me. The just kind of trickle out.
So, that's what my journals are to me ....

...and I am ashamed of myself for caring one around at work because.....

I only do that when I am not confident. I only seem to carry my journal around when I feel that no one understands me. Don't get me wrong I don't show it to anyone .... I just have it......on hand as a reminder that I'm not worthless.