The other day... I was waiting outside, for something, leaning over a railing and looking at the gravel. When the ground began to swirl. The movement was only in my head. It was like my brain started sorting the shapes into patterns, the same patterns that I draw.
I feel.... unstable sometimes. My imagination can take form easily. When I close my eyes I see shapes and movement. The more I indulge in these thoughts the clearer they become... the more substance they contain.
I would be happy about these mental wanderings if I was always able to keep control of them. However, vivid nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks and night terrors are the flip side to this gift... and although recently this has not been the case... often what I see is horrible and carries with it this caustic quality that unhinges me.
I have been experiencing this sort of thing since I was in Kindergarten. (I see things most often right before or after sleep). I know my patterns are connected somehow...
-To be clear, I don't try to recreate the patterns I see when I draw... I zone out when I draw, and the patterns flow without thought.
I love and hate this about myself. I enjoy that I can tune myself into a place where things I don't understand flow from me.... I despise that whatever it is that I do make is uncontrollable... I feel like it isn't mine... like I am faking it or cheating--- that I am not so much an artist ... more like crazy is interesting if you spill it out on to the page.
BUT- I can't hide from this or avoid it so I am going to keep trying to figure it out.
(These types of thoughts led me to the 75 tile thingie I have been doing :) )
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OK because I want to end on something fun...
Way back when I was in college.... I was running on one hour of sleep for three days... (I swear I wasn't on anything else... just really tired) and I remember Joe and I went to Target and as I was walking through the store... I kept saying goofy shit about being tired and what I could see as we walked... and I remember telling him that "I could almost see... all these little tiny turtles following us
calling out to me and trying to catch up ... they kept yelling "Blecky, Blecky..."
I feel.... unstable sometimes. My imagination can take form easily. When I close my eyes I see shapes and movement. The more I indulge in these thoughts the clearer they become... the more substance they contain.
I would be happy about these mental wanderings if I was always able to keep control of them. However, vivid nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks and night terrors are the flip side to this gift... and although recently this has not been the case... often what I see is horrible and carries with it this caustic quality that unhinges me.
I have been experiencing this sort of thing since I was in Kindergarten. (I see things most often right before or after sleep). I know my patterns are connected somehow...
-To be clear, I don't try to recreate the patterns I see when I draw... I zone out when I draw, and the patterns flow without thought.
I love and hate this about myself. I enjoy that I can tune myself into a place where things I don't understand flow from me.... I despise that whatever it is that I do make is uncontrollable... I feel like it isn't mine... like I am faking it or cheating--- that I am not so much an artist ... more like crazy is interesting if you spill it out on to the page.
BUT- I can't hide from this or avoid it so I am going to keep trying to figure it out.
(These types of thoughts led me to the 75 tile thingie I have been doing :) )
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK because I want to end on something fun...
Way back when I was in college.... I was running on one hour of sleep for three days... (I swear I wasn't on anything else... just really tired) and I remember Joe and I went to Target and as I was walking through the store... I kept saying goofy shit about being tired and what I could see as we walked... and I remember telling him that "I could almost see... all these little tiny turtles following us
calling out to me and trying to catch up ... they kept yelling "Blecky, Blecky..."
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