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This is a repost of a reply to a comment on DA:

 ..... I'm glad that came across, but, I think I need to keep going on this..... I was really unsatisfied after I scanned it originally ..... I am sick of doing the same thing all the time, so I went nuts with the green markers..... And it felt good, and I was happy because it was different, but, sometimes I love any thing I do that is different and I don't see things clearly..... 
I think I need to go back in  
but I might wait a bit.  
.... I have weird motivations for doing things, that sometimes are not related to visual communication or structure or anything other than my own selfish satisfaction...... It felt really good jumping into the big green marks.... Partially because I rarely use green so they are the only juicy markers I still have  .... But now I need to SEE what it is I have I front of me..... It can be hard for me to separate the sensation of drawing and the drawing itself. 
I remember for a long time actually .... And embarrassingly recently..... I was in a very angsty stage with my work.... And I took all my frustrations out on that work, in kind of a cruel way. My (realistic) drawings were tight and illustrative in a very cold way, I didn't hate them but it took me a bit of time to recognize them as mine.... And my pattern work ..... Well I don't want to sound this snobby, but I got too many easy compliments about how pretty they were.... And how I should try to get a job designing wallpaper. They were heart felt compliments so I smiled, but I felt like the take away was this lingering shadow of superficiality..... Especially because they were automatic and I wasn't choosing or deciding much of anything with them ...... Then the final straw was fucking zentangle..... Don't get me wrong I have seen other zentangle artists do amazing stuff.... I have less of a chip on my shoulder now, but.... my first experience with it came from one of my co workers looking at my sketchbook and saying ..."Ooh, I can do that" ...... I bristled at the comment, internally, because it wasn't said as a stinging challenge in their mind, I just heard it that way..........and it stuck. Then on Amazon ....where I bought my pens...I started to get suggestions for how to draw zentangle books. ....and I saw workshops on it .... And coloring books ....and .....

I felt ununique. Joe thinks I snapped, because I took up the zentangle thing like a challenge.... He thinks the way I dove into my 75 tile project I had spite in my heart.... And he may not be wrong..... Although at the time I told him he was.

In the beginning I didn't even realize it but there was a cloud over everything I did.... It started as hmmmmm..... A feeling of having something to prove...... Maybe a little bit of marking my territory.... By the end I had worked through it and started loving the feel of it again.... But it was tough for a while I was really tense and angry....and when my stuff still looked pretty even though I was thinking about invasive rotting and corrupting tendrils .... I was pissed a little...  .... It sounds stupid now but ..... I think I am over it. Those are the kinds of thoughts that only make sense when you are stuck in them. 
...a story from a low point.... One thing I loved to do for a while was draw something and then corrupt and destroy it with my patterns .... While working furiously I think I was grinding my teeth and my pens and had tears in my eyes... On one of these destruction pieces I realized it was really hard to access any image in it.... Even for me. Thoughts of an audience popped into my head, and I remember thinking "Fuck color, Fuck composition.... I'm not interested in making this easy or nice for you ..... This is about me God dammit! " 
.... So I apologize .... To everyone  .... Poor fantasy audience in my head.... You didn't deserve that  

here is a link to that drawing:
chobek.deviantart.com/art/Thre…

here is is what it changed into when I stopped having a tantrum:

chobek.deviantart.com/art/Char…

....still not done